


Time in a Tree

by SunshineHead



Series: Young & Stupid [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Human AU, I call RK900 Conan, I recently edited this and fixed what I hated, M/M, Theyre at a boarding school, its kinda sad though, its worth it though I swear, sorry in advance, theyre kinda pure still, this is kinda fluffy but also sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-06-27 21:54:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15694110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineHead/pseuds/SunshineHead
Summary: Gavin has been labeled as a "troubled kid" by his father and is transferred to a boarding school in the middle of nowhere, with no one he knows and no one to talk to.Except for his roommate, Conan.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I loosely based this story on the song Time in a Tree by Raleigh Ritchie, it's a really great song I'd definitely give it a listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first wrote this and posted it, I was generally happy with it but didn't like a few things about it. Not enough to hate what I was posting but enough to cringe at what I had written and I simply didn't have the time to change it.  
> It took me months of rereading and rereading to get it to this point where I'm happy with it and actually proud of it, so I hope you all enjoy. Maybe I'll eventually get around to actually writing a different fic but why do that when in six months I could just rewrite this again

His heart pounded in his ears and all he could hear was the sound of the metal dragging against the cement, the sound of glass shattering as he dropped whatever he’d been drinking. His throat still burned with his last swallow as he opened the door to the garage, the stale white lights automatically flickering on with his movement.

  
He walked to the center of the room, which was harder to do in such a haze. He had spent the majority of his childhood in here, playing games of hide and seek, coloring, or playing with Legos while Elijah built his own computers. They were the same age, and yet Elijah was so far ahead of him. Always one step ahead of his classmates, their parents, and even Gavin was left behind in the dust eventually. Partners in crime became separate elementary schools. Batman and Robin became “I need silence, Gav.” Warm spring days spent in this haven became lonely nights in his bedroom.

  
His music blasted into his ears as he stood, taking in all the inventions of his and Elijah’s childhood. There, was the robot butler that Eli had made and that had broken within the next two days, and next to it was his second and third tries. On the other side of the room was the remnants of his first computer, motherboards and fans and hard drives all in varying states of disrepair piled next to it. Next to that were the charred remains of his first shot at a 3D printer. Lined up perfectly on a shelf were the prototypes of the metal animals that moved on their own; all gifts for Gavin that he had shoved in a box underneath his bed because he couldn’t bear to look at them, couldn’t bear to be reminded of a time that was so far in the past.

  
All around Gavin were the memories of his childhood. His steps were heavy as he wandered to the workbench and spun the stool that was still in its place next to Eli’s workstation. Summer days and winter nights they spent in here, luke warm juice pouches and each other as their only company.  
Gavin filtered through the papers on the workbench; these were the ideas that Eli thought of and never started. Ideas that were scrapped and redone and restarted all over again. He even found early sketches of things they had once dreamed of; an endless pancake machine, an android child to play with them, blatant copies of the stuff they saw on television that they weren’t allowed to have.

  
Eli had kept them all, so he decided it would be the first thing Gavin took his bat to.

  
All the papers, he took to the trashcan and watched as it burned. All their inventions and ideas they spent stormy nights hiding under their grandfather’s workbench thinking of. All the pages covered with his and Elijah’s scratchy handwriting. Gavin smiled as he watched it burn.

  
Then he took to the early prototypes of toy Transformers that actually transformed, Pokemon that spoke and moved on their own, dangerous versions of Beyblades, all destroyed within minutes. Gavin’s vision blurred as he breathed heavily, and even as the muscles in his arm burned he took to the newer inventions Elijah never spoke of, displayed proudly in the center of the room with tools still lying around them. He didn’t pause to gawk at them before he smashed them all until they were broken pieces of dented metal like almost everything else in the room. He bounced on the balls of his feet as the music reached a crescendo in his ears as he hefted the bat again, making a target of a rover that Gavin thought should be discovering Mars.

  
Even as red and blue flashed through the windows he kept smashing, sirens breaking through his music, and didn’t stop until he was wrestled to the floor and his headphones were ripped from his ears and he was forced to let go of the bat and watched it as it rolled across the cement, the scraping sound filling his ears until it was all he could hear. He could feel the grin that was still on his face even as metal pinched his wrists and his arm ached with the relief of being put at rest. Even as he was hauled into the backseat of a caged car, he kept smiling. Even as tears fell down his cheeks and neck and wetted his shirt, he knew to keep grinning. He would keep grinning until it was over.


	2. Chapter One

Roosevelt Academy looked as daunting as it did on the website, and as much as Gavin didn’t want to go in, he trudged up the steps anyways because he figured it would be better than being homeless. Having to deal with hard-ass teachers, running three miles every morning, and the clutch of loneliness had to be better than being homeless. As the principal guided him through the place that would be his home for the next eight months, Mrs. Woodroe made him want to abandon his silent vow and dash into the woods to live life as a caveman. 

She was a tall, intimidating woman with her gray hair pulled extremely tightly to the back of her head. She stood up straight and held her head up high. She looked scary as fuck, with her brow creased and her mouth pressed into a firm, straight line, her graying hair painfully pulled back into a twist on the back of her head. She rambled on about rules and regulations, and he tried to pay attention, but he got distracted by the interiors of the academy. He hated to admit it, but this place was beautiful. The main room had black and white tiles with corridors leading to classrooms on either side. All the walls were made of wooden panels with beautiful intricate designs on them. A big wooden archway led to obviously main attraction; the grand staircase leading to the second floor. He was almost afraid to step on it, it looked nearly two hundred years old. The wooden banister that framed the staircase seemed to be even older. Definitely more classy than a shack in the woods.

Mrs. Woodroe had to clear her throat to get Gavin’s attention as he stood in the middle of the hall, his head tilted up to look at the massive mural on the ceiling and the sparkling glass chandelier that hung from it. He shook his head and jogged up the stairs to catch up to her, his duffle bag banging against his hip. He got distracted again when he got to the top of the staircase. There was a huge window that overlooked the garden. Flowers of red and orange and yellow lined the paths, bushes of white and red roses and blue  hydrangeas. Huge oak trees and crabapple trees that were not yet in bloom. Lilac bushes lined the edge of the garden, near the windows of the school.  Gavin could see there was a paved dirt path that looped around all the trees and flowers. Students were even out there now, walking along the way, sitting on the grass or on the benches. 

He turned his attention back to Mrs. Woodroe, who stood at the top of the steps, staring at him with what he thought was disapproval. At least he was already used to that look. He jogged up the stairs to catch up to her, and they walked passed a few dorm rooms until she stopped abruptly in front of one. 

“All students are expected to follow the rules and complete the daily exercise and go to every class.”

“What happens if I don’t?” Gavin grumbled, a measly show of rebellion, but he was just tired. Tired from the long drive here, tired from having to wake up at three in the morning so he could get here in time for class, though he was pretty sure that was just his Dad’s excuse to get rid of him earlier. Gavin was tired because he had to come to a new school and be here with no one that was familiar to him, he was tired because he had to be here all alone and it was his own fault. 

“That will be up to your teachers. Breakfast starts in twenty minutes. You must see your counselor Ms. Grove by the end of the day. She’ll assign you your extracurricular classes and help you with anything you need.” 

She finally opened the door to his new room and walked in. “Your uniform is in the closet, you are required to wear your uniform on all weekdays. You are expected to do your own laundry, the machines are located in the basement.” 

She handed Gavin a piece of paper and folded her hands at her waist. “That is your schedule for the day, Ms. Grove will print you a new one when you’ve been assigned to your extracurricular classes. Unless you have any more questions, I’ll take my leave now.”

“Nope.”

“Very well. If you have any other questions, you can ask your roommate or a teacher. Welcome to Roosevelt Academy, Mr. Reed.” She gave him a tight smile and left the room. 

Gavin could already tell he was going to hate this place. He’d never done well with rules, and he expected that nothing would change here. Gavin took his time to study the room. Two beds on either side of the room and under each bed was a small chest of drawers. Two desks faced the window. Gavin whistled as he looked out of the window, he had a pretty nice view of the garden. There was a closet on the right side of the entry room of his dorm, with a huge cubby above. One side of the closet seemed to already be claimed by his roommate as it was cluttered with perfectly color coordinated sweaters and t-shirts. On the other side, there were a few pairs of the uniform, along with several tank tops and gym shorts with the academy’s logo. Gavin huffed at the uniform, it looked about as comfortable as a noose. 

The bathroom was on the left side of the entry room, and it was impeccably clean. And it didn’t seem that he shared it with any other dorm rooms. Gavin wondered if all of his father’s money was going to separate bathrooms for each dorm. 

Gavin unzipped his duffle bag and set on unpacking. He put his clothes into the dresser and placed the few books he brought up straight on his desk. He finally pulled out the shoebox that he didn’t even know he was going to bring until the night before. He started to lift open the box when he heard keys jingle into lock on the door. He quickly closed the box and put it in his dresser, slamming the drawer closed as a boy about his age came through the door. 

He was tall, several inches taller than Gavin and had curly dark brown hair that stuck to his sweaty forehead. His head was down as he fumbled with his keys. He didn’t seem to notice Gavin at first until he cleared his throat. His head shot up, and his icy blue eyes met Gavin’s. 

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t expect you to be here this early in the day.” Gavin just nodded at the stranger, and busied himself putting away the rest of his clothes.“I’m Conan Anderson. You must be Gavin Reed.” Gavin only nodded again and went to the closet and grabbed his uniform. “I’m going to take a shower. If you wait, I’ll take you to breakfast and show you around.” 

Gavin huffed after the boy had gone into their bathroom, this guy was having a completely one-sided conversation with him and seemed to be perfectly content with that. He was perfect, in the way that even was his hair was sweaty it still looked good. He looked like one of those people to hold the door after everyone and not say a word if someone cut in front of him in a line and Gavin hated it. He hated perfect people who had no depth to them besides a parent’s disappointment from a bad grade on a test. 

He smiled too easily, and for that Gavin hated him. 

Gavin stood in front of the mirror and did his best to remember how to tie a tie. He ended up with a messy knot that didn’t even remotely resemble the way his father’s always looked. Gavin scoffed, it didn’t matter anyway. He started to tuck in his shirt as haphazardly as possible as Conan came out of the shower wearing only his black dress pants. He was still drying off his hair with a towel with one hand as he grabbed the rest of his uniform from the hanger and threw it on his bed, beads of water stuck to his back and bled through his white shirt.

Conan got ready way faster than Gavin did. Gavin glared as Conan tied his tie in a simple knot effortlessly, like a robot. Conan made it seem so easy. 

“Alright, are you ready?”

Gavin nodded, grabbing his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder. He was about to leave the dorm room when he felt a hand on his shoulder forcing him to turn around. Conan effortlessly unknotted Gavin’s mess of an attempt of a tie and started to redo it. “Careful, if you’re uniform is out of place you’ll get a diffraction. You might want to completely tuck in your shirt too. I doubt you’d get a diffraction on your first day, but just for future reference. If you get too many diffractions they’ll make sit out on practice for a week or not let you participate in clubs.”

Gavin stood as still as he could and tried not to grimace as Conan’s quick and efficient hands positioned his tie around his neck and crossed the wide end of his tie under the smaller. “We get extracurricular activities? I thought this was a hard ass school?”

“I suppose you weren’t really paying attention, huh?” Conan chuckled a bit, dimples appearing on his cheeks. There was that smile again, the made his stomach uneasy. 

“This place is made out to be this really tough school, but it’s not that bad,” Gavin held his breath as Conan folded the wide end of his tie over the smaller part again. He tried to pay attention, but it was hard. He gripped the end of his white shirt just so he had something to hold on to. 

Conan had a fond smile on his lips as he pulled the wide end of the tie through the neck loop, then back through the loop he’d just made in the front. “This place seems bad when it actually has a lot to offer if you give it a try.” Gavin tried to ignore how accusatory that sounded as Conan adjusted and tightened Gavin’s tie, then patted him lightly on the chest. 

Gavin didn’t bother thanking Conan as he stormed off, ignoring Conan’s protests. He was uncomfortable, so he fixed it, effortlessly untying Conan’s knot and untucking his shirt. He took off the tie completely, shoving it in his bag and wandered around the school, looking for the cafeteria. 

Gavin only found the cafeteria by following other students and the sounds of chatters and clattering dishes. He helped himself to breakfast and found some corner table and ate by himself and watched the people walk by. He froze when he saw Conan walk through the buffet line. He ducked his head, hoping that Conan wouldn’t recognize him. Gavin wanted to avoid that fake asshole for as long as possible. 

After a few minutes, Gavin dared to lift his head and scan the room. He found Conan soon enough, he was across the room sitting alone at a table for two that was much like his own. 

Conan was reading as he ate his food, oblivious and uncaring to others around him. Did he really think that he was so above everyone else to act like they weren’t even there?


	3. Chapter Two

Gavin found his way around the school eventually, only getting lost once. He made it to his Literature and Composition class easily enough, and his American History class was only down the hall from that. Each class was a daunting hour and a half, but the classes themselves were actually interesting, as much as Gavin hated to admit it.

After Gavin ate his lunch he stalked around the hallways trying to find Ms. Grove’s office. He got lost four times. When he finally found her office she wrote him up a new schedule with astronomy and psychology as his classes to take on the weekends. 

He tried not to care about the algebra concepts he didn’t understand or the poetry terms he didn’t get. He had purposefully failed the classes at his old school just to make his father mad but it wasn’t the same as failing just because he wasn’t good enough. It didn’t matter how slow the teachers took it, he still didn’t understand. 

All his teachers were different than what Gavin had expected. He expected teachers that never laughed or even smiled. He expected them to give out diffractions like candy if you so much as slouched in your seat or talked without raising your hand. Instead, all the teachers encouraged large group discussions as long as it didn’t go too off topic and they didn’t care if you had your head on your desk as long as you were awake and listening. It was hard to believe that this place seemed so different then what the reviews that had been left by parents had suggested when they said their son had come home a more respectful man. Gavin had just assumed this place was run like a tight ship by the way Mrs. Woodroe acted towards him. Maybe this place was different than what’d he first thought. 

The kids weren't malicious either. They were nice to Gavin. He made a friend named James, who caught him up on what had happened previously in their history class and included him in conversations. But James wasn’t the only nice one. They all seemed to be. They all smiled and laughed and joked along with their teachers. He thought he would have encountered at least a few dickheads by now since this was supposed to be a place meant for “troubled boys” as his father had called it. 

Either his father had been wrong or all these kids had been brainwashed to act nice and perfect and smart. Gavin hoped his father was wrong for the satisfaction. 

While everything had been going better than usual, it had only been two days since Gavin had quit smoking. Although he tried to pay attention, he kept getting headaches that made him just want to lay his head down on his desk and die. 

 

\----------

 

Gavin thought he might die, and he’d only been here five days. He always thought he kept in shape for these past two years by running down alleys and hopping fences with his friends, but the daily morning exercise proved that he’d been horribly wrong. 

They didn’t always have a morning run, they switched around from just running around in the garden to get a good warm-up and then doing push ups and sit ups and lunges and a bunch of other exercises that Gavin didn’t remember the name of. Each morning he woke up still sore from the day before but he only had to get up and do more exercise. 

For once, Gavin actually wasn’t bored in his classes. All his teachers were funny and interesting in their own ways. And even though he struggled with his algebra, Mr. Reidmann seemed to always sense it and helped Gavin out after they’d finished with the notes. During his study hours he’d go to the lounge and did his homework for the day, but he always got distracted by people-watching and watching the sunset cast a beautiful orange light across the garden. 

Everyone here seemed to have already formed their own cliques, but they all knew each other and were nice to each other. One random boy had even included Gavin on a discussion about which Game of Thrones character was the best. He had even started to talk to James and his friends briefly outside of class. Even though he didn’t like one the guys, Clay, anything was better than being alone. And they weren’t like Conan. Not so perfect. James struggled with reading and Clay sucked at math just like Gavin. They seemed more human and didn’t hide that they had flaws. As far as Gavin could tell Conan had no flaws.

As for his relationship with Conan, it hadn’t changed. Each morning Gavin showered first and as soon as he had all his clothes on he left the room for breakfast. He never really tucked in his shirt all the way or did his tie right, but he never really cared about diffractions anyways. He still sat alone, and so did Conan. Gavin started doing the same thing Conan did and brought a book to all his meals. He wondered if Conan ever noticed him the way he’d been noticing Conan, but each time Gavin looked up from his pages Conan had barely moved an inch. 

Despite being very antisocial, Gavin actually made some friends in a few of his classes, James included, though they weren’t real friends. They never invited him to join them for lunch or to study together after dinner. He only really talked to James if they ran into each other outside of class and only for a few moments. The friends that Gavin had made so far were just the kind of friends Gavin copied notes from and they were the person that Gavin would pick if a teacher said to find a partner. The friends he’d managed to make already had their own group of friends. 

Gavin had come a month into his senior year, with only fifty other kids in his grade, everyone had already decided who they wanted at their table. Everyone except for Conan, it seemed. A part of Gavin longed for someone that he could talk to so maybe he wouldn’t feel as lonely. Sometimes, like in the evening in the lounge, he’d be reminded that he didn’t have anyone and was almost desperate for someone he could really talk to. 

At his old school, he was surrounded by people, and it gave Gavin the illusion of not being lonely, but if he was honest, he was. He was lonely all the time. Gavin couldn’t decide if it was better or worse here or at his old school. There, at home, he had his parents and his brother to deal with. Here, he didn’t have anyone to talk to but he was mostly distracted all the time by school work and exercise. 

And that was the strange thing to Gavin. He was actually trying with all his classes. It wasn’t easy since he was so far behind, but he found himself trying to do better. He told himself that it was because he didn’t want to let his teachers down because they saw him struggling and they gave him their individual time and helped him to understand. But Gavin knew if he didn’t try, he’d have nothing to do, and the loneliness would creep into him. 

Today was Saturday, and Gavin got to relax in bed instead of exercising and worrying about his classes, and the loneliness was already beginning to worm its way into Gavin’s head, he needed to distract himself with something. 

It was still early, and Conan still slept peacefully on the other side of the room. Gavin had been trouble sleeping for the past week, and normally he was would just lay in bed until his alarm woke up him, but he was too restless to just sit still anymore when he knew it wouldn’t really do any good. 

Gavin got out of his bed and kneeled on the floor, shuffling through his dresser until he found his shoebox, he hadn’t had a chance to open it until now. He carried it over to his desk and opened the box, taking out the first contraption. It was a tiny metal elephant, a little smaller than the palm of his hand. It had no skin, just a metal endoskeleton. Gavin twisted it’s neck a little to the side, triggering the mechanism, and set it on the desk, watching it waddle across the wood, stretching its neck out and moving its trunk. It made a soft whirring noise that was very comforting to Gavin as it moved around his desk. It eventually stopped moving and Gavin moved it to rest on the windowsill, the sunlight bouncing off the silver metal. He pulled out the next one, a horse, Gavin twisted its head and watched it canter against the desk, silently braying and tossing its head. He brought out the next one, a wolf that tilted its head up and let out a silent howl. Then he pulled out a snake that slithered across the aged wood almost sinisterly, the snake had been Gavin’s favorite since he was little. Then, a hawk. Though instead of just walking around it somehow lifted off the ground and flew a few inches, Gavin still didn’t know how it worked. He lined them up neatly on the windowsill and was about to trigger the snake again but he heard Conan stir behind him. 

He quickly set the snake down and grabbed a book and pretended to read as Conan rose from the bed and went to the bathroom. He didn’t want perfect Conan to know what his little steel animals could do. It was something meant for just him, a secret between him and his older brother. Although he had gotten these several years ago and he and his brother had become significantly more distant, Gavin wouldn’t tell anyone about these. 

He stood and went to his closet, for the first time since he’d been here he didn’t have to wear that scratchy uniform. It felt nice to not have to worry about doing his damn tie. He had paid attention when Conan had done it for him, but he hadn't been able to make it look as nice as it did when Conan did it, but it at least bears a resemblance to an actual tie now and not some twisted knot. Gavin now opted for some kind of pants that felt like jeans but looked nicer and a dark blue crewneck, rushing out of the room before Conan got out of the shower. 

After breakfast, Gavin met his astronomy teacher, Mr. Morgan, who was an interesting person. His smile was so wide and blinding that Gavin thought that it must hurt to smile that much. But if he thought Mr. Brown made nerdy puns, then Mr. Morgan was worse, and he definitely wasn’t quiet about it. That explained why the two seemed to be friends and why they always busted into each other’s classes at random times. Even so, each corny astronomy joke made Gavin crack a smile, and he found himself liking the class a lot, and the two hours went by so quickly. 

Before Gavin knew it, he was in his psychology that was taught by the same teacher he had for American History. The bell hasn't rung yet and Mr. Vito was still chatting in the hallway with his fellow teachers, but Gavin decided to sit in the same spot he sat in for his history class, all the way in the back corner. He didn’t even notice Conan sitting in the seat next to him until he went to look at the clock at the side of the room. 

Gavin had to make himself stop blatantly staring but he still couldn’t stop himself from glancing over now and then. He didn’t know why his gaze always found its way to Conan, there wasn’t anything particularly interesting about him. His hair was a curly mess on top of his head but it still looked good and put together. He had freckles and moles dusting his cheekbones and his eyes were a cold blue. There was nothing that interesting about his outfit except he wore a turtleneck. Gavin had never seen someone unironically wear a turtleneck and actually pull it off before. But Conan was so exceptionally perfect that it made him confused and pissed off at the same time. 

He was so lost in thought that he nearly fell out of his chair as Mr. Vito slammed the door behind him closed and welcomed his students sweetly to the class in such a juxtaposition that it never failed to amuse Gavin normally. But now, he was embarrassed that he’d been so startled by it. Slamming the door seemed to be a part of Mr. Vito’s routine as it let his students know that class was starting and they better stop talking. 

Mr. Vito went through his attendance list, saying hello to each person individually. Gavin was surprised as he even started a long conversation with a student about his football practice. Mr. Vito seemed way more laid back in psychology than he was while he was teaching history. No matter the student, Mr. Vito made conversation with them while making self-deprecating jokes and corny puns that amused Gavin and the rest of the class. 

Mr. Vito explained that they would be answering questions from the book and that they could have a partner. Gavin instantly scanned the room, looking for someone he recognized from one of his other classes. Before he could get very far, Mr. Vito interrupted his thoughts. “But I’m going to be a big meanie and pick your partners,” The class groaned in response. “I know, I know, I’m horrible. But it’s simply for convenience. So your partner is the person across from you.”

Gavin tensed, that meant that Conan was his partner. Gavin reluctantly opened his textbook to the section about addiction. He turned towards Conan to find him already scribbling down answers, not even looking at the textbook.

“Okay, Sherlock. Go easy there. Have you taken this class before or something?”

“Nope. I just know some answers off the top of my head.”

“How?”

Conan shrugged. “Books and stuff.”

Gavin rolled his eyes,  _ of course _ , Conan had already memorized what they would be learning. “Well, that’s great for you but slow down a bit. I haven’t even written my name on the paper.”

“Sorry.”

Their discussion never deviated from psychology, and Gavin tried to find new places to land his eyes anywhere else besides on Conan. But he failed, Gavin was so distracted by the way Conan chewed on the end of his pencil, and how he bit his lips as he read a passage of the book. It was just so goddamn annoying that even flaws like bite marks on erasers seemed perfect. He couldn’t get his mind to focus. He tried to focus on the textbook and the answers to the questions so hard that he pressed down on the paper so stiffly as he wrote that the lead in his mechanical pencil broke over and over again. 

Gavin tried to focus on anything but Conan, tried to focus on the subject of addiction in their psychology textbook, but whenever he skimmed the passages he missed whole sentences and couldn’t find the answers. But Conan never got mad or sighed with impatience, he just gave a small smile to Gavin and pointed the answer out to him. But things didn’t stop feeling awkward for Gavin. It was such a strange feeling, something was eating away at him but he couldn’t name it was. Constant annoyance between the both of them, no doubt. 

But nevertheless, whenever Gavin didn’t understand something Conan slowed down and explained it. He leaned over their desks and got close enough that he could feel Conan’s warm breath against his face. Billions of thoughts were always running through Gavin’s mind. He constantly bounced his leg, cracked his knuckles, rolled out the kinks in his shoulders, he couldn’t focus or even sit still for more than five seconds. But when Conan explained something, it somehow made way more sense to Gavin than the textbook, his body stopped moving, slowing down almost instantly.   

It was so fucking perfect that Gavin refused to think about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and I'll be posting again on Monday!


	4. Chapter Three

“Are you alright?” He heard Conan ask from his bed.

“Just peachy.” Gavin managed to say just before he proceeded to spew his dinner into the toilet. 

This week had been the worst of his life. Though this was the first time he had thrown up, he had been feeling sick for a while. Gavin didn’t think that things could get any worse. Of course, he had been horribly wrong. For the past two days, he could barely eat because he had the urge to throw it back up, he got dizzy and so tired after the fucking morning exercise that he couldn’t concentrate in class or anywhere else even if he wanted to. The real torture was that even though he was so tired, he could barely sleep through the night. Sometimes it was better when he was distracted by something, he didn’t have to think about how nauseous he was, but Gavin’s mind could never focus on one thing for too long. 

He sat back on the floor, resting his cheek on the cool tile of the wall, closing his eyes in contentment at the sensation of the cold tile on his warm face. 

“Do you want me to call the nurse? Do you have the flu or something?” He opened his eyes to see Conan leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed as he looked at Gavin coldly like he was about to punch him. The only way Gavin knew he wasn’t going to was from the warm smile on his face, contrasting his icy eyes.  

“No. No, I’m not contagious. Just… God, I need a cigarette.” He was too tired to think about the fact that maybe he should ignore Conan right now and all his perfect niceness. But Gavin didn’t have the heart to anymore. He was just so tired. All he wanted to do was sleep. As Gavin met Conan’s eyes, he could only see genuine concern in them. Gavin could tell Conan was only trying to help him.

“So you were a smoker, huh?”

“I started five months ago. Had my last one Monday morning before I came here. There’s no getting better with this, I just have to wait it out for now.” Gavin laughed dryly. “Usually, you’re not here to see all this.”

“I’ve noticed that you’ve had some… trouble adjusting to life here. I just thought you were grumpy.”

Gavin cracked a smile. “I am grumpy, Sherlock.”

Conan rolled his eyes. “Yes, you’re a tough guy who doesn’t need anyone, even when he’s too weak to move.” He said, clearly making fun of him. And what right did Conan have to make fun of him? At least Gavin tried every day, Conan never looked like he had worked a day in his life. Running and working out was effortless for him. School was effortless for him. Life was just effortless for him. And Gavin despised it. But he was too tired to be openly angry right now. 

Gavin only rolled his eyes, too tired to think of a retort. He tried not to think about he just proved Conan’s point more.

Conan sighed and filled a plastic cup of water. “Here, drink this.” Gavin took a few gulps and watched as Conan settled on the floor next to him, opening his book to the page he was on.

“What are you doing?” He didn’t want to admit that the water helped a lot.

“I’m gonna sit here in case you need anything. Some more water, some food, or some company. I’ll just be here.”

Gavin didn’t say anything, just sat on the tiled floor with Conan beside him. He couldn’t think of anything to say. It was so awkward, but Conan seemed content to just sit with him in silence. One question nagged at Gavin’s mind and he bit his lip, trying to decide on whether or not to say it or just shut up. 

“Something’s on your mind, I can tell. What’s up?”

Gavin bit his lips, though he could already taste the copper tang of blood and he knew he should stop. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

Conan shrugged. “That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m nice. Even to guys who are dicks and ignore me for a week.”

Gavin scoffed, of course, Conan was such a nice guy. He was probably one of those people who hold the door open for everyone before going in himself or helps old ladies carry their groceries. “I have my reasons.”

“Let me guess, you’re not going to tell me. Are you afraid that you’ll be proven wrong?”

Gavin didn’t say that, yes, that was exactly why he didn’t want to say anything. Because somewhere inside of him he knew that he had reacted too quickly and that he had judged Conan too harshly.

Another wave of nausea hit Gavin, but he didn’t actually feel the need to throw up yet. He wasn’t sure he even had anything left in his stomach. “Can you just get out.” he said, more as a command and not a request.

Conan sighed, shaking his head as he got up from his spot beside Gavin and went back into their room. Gavin didn’t throw up again and eventually stopped feeling sick enough to get off from the floor, brush his teeth, and stagger to his bed. He felt so fucking tired and he barely noticed Conan reading on his bed on the other side of the room. He collapsed onto his own bed, rolling himself into a ball and surrounding himself with the blanket. 

Gavin was just so fucking tired, but he couldn’t sleep, he stared blankly at the wall. He could see Conan out of the corner of his eye flipping the pages of a book he couldn’t identify in the dim light. Then he watched Conan look up at him, then randomly flip back to the beginning of the book. 

“Dear Friend. I am writing to you because she said you listen and understood and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have.” Gavin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before he realized Conan was reading the book out loud. 

Normally, he would’ve been annoyed, he should’ve been annoyed at the perfectness of his tone, and his calm and quiet voice that managed to hold so much emotion in the opening page of  _ The Perks of Being a Wallflower _ , but Conan’s voice was so calming and it was hard to be angry as his voice slowly lulled Gavin to sleep. “Please don’t try and figure out who she is because you might figure out who I am, and I really don’t want you to do that.” Gavin had only read this book once because it was one of those books that you only had to read once because you remembered it forever. “I try to think of my family as a reason for me being this way, especially after my friend Michael stopped going to school one day last spring and we heard Mr. Vaughn’s voice on the loudspeaker.” 

Gavin’s eyes drifted close on their own accord as he listened to a story he hadn’t read in years. For once, Gavin could focus on  _ something _ . 

 

\---------

 

Gavin finished scratching down the homework assignment in his notebook and stood from his seat. He looked up and noticed that, once again, Ms. Russo was picking up the books from off of the floor, a fond smile on her face. So many students just left their books haphazardly around while kind Ms. Russo spent time gathering them up for her next class. There was something kind of sweet in the way she handled the books, like they were treasured objects to her. 

Gavin knelt down and picked up the two books he found there and swiped another off a desk. He moved around the room, grabbing the books he found and Ms. Russo smiled at him as he piled them in a neat stack on the table by the door just as she had. “Thank you, Gavin. I’ll make sure you get your marks.” 

Gavin nodded and let his lips twitch up into a smile for a moment. He didn’t really care about getting marks, even if they cancelled out his diffractions. He genuinely liked Ms. Russo, she was a really nice person and didn’t mind all that much when her students goofed off a bit. She let them sit on the floor as she read Shakespeare aloud to them, and didn’t mind when they left their copies of the book on the floor. She made Shakespeare seem interesting to Gavin, and helped him wrap around the allusions and motifs Shakespeare used and he actually understood the material now. And all that was just in a few weeks of him being here. The marks were a nice plus, but he would’ve helped her with the books either way. He was almost disappointed in himself that he hadn’t started to help sooner. 

Thoughts of Conan sparked into his mind again, and he knew that Conan would’ve no doubt already been helping Ms. Russo since the first day. Gavin was so...imperfect sometimes and he didn’t realize just how much until it just caught up to him. Gavin never would’ve been nice to the person who was constantly an asshole to him. Conan was so much better than him, and even though he hated the perfection of Conan, this moment only made him realize just how much he was lacking himself and subdued his anger. 

Whatever, Gavin wasn’t going to apologize to Conan, it was far too late for that now. It had been weeks since his first day of school and the two had been sitting in silence for all those weeks. Even though Gavin could barely keep his eyes off of Conan, he didn’t say anything. Gavin convinced himself that it was the guilt eating away at him that caused him to stare at his roommate, and not that he was a fucking creep. 

Gavin wouldn’t apologize, but maybe he wouldn’t ignore Conan the next time he spoke to him. If he ever spoke to him again. He hadn’t said much to Gavin either, perfectly respectful of how Gavin wanted nothing to do with him.

Gavin made it to Mr. Vito’s class later than usual, too lost in thought to walk as fast as he usually did. 

 

\----------

 

Gavin laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, passing the time until dinner. He found himself actually looking forward to the mile run he’d be doing tomorrow. He started to really like all the exercise; it gave him a way to get all his anger out and not have the energy to mouth off when he got frustrated. Gavin supposed that was the point of the morning exercise, but he still loved it. He’d grown to love that soreness in his muscles, it showed him that he was getting in shape and all the hard work was paying off. He liked how toned he was getting, even after just after a month of being here. 

Gavin sighed as he realized he’d been here for a month already. It felt like he’d been here his whole life. He  _ should’ve _ been here his whole life. It was peaceful here, even though he didn’t talk much to anyone, he enjoyed just sitting in the garden or in the lounge and it felt like he was included still. 

He could hear Conan’s pencil scratching on the paper as he worked on his homework, but it was almost calming to Gavin. He closed his eyes as the cool afternoon air drifting in through the window threatened to pull him into sleep completely. 

The snap of the pencil had him shooting to sit up in his bed. It took a second for his vision to clear but it didn’t stop him from seeing Gavin throw his book across the room. He was still facing away from Gavin so he could clearly see Conan’s shoulders move in time to his heavy breathing as he stared at his notebook pages. 

Conan’s hand shook as he reached up to thread his fingers in his hair and tug in a way that Gavin knew was painful. He could barely hear the whisper that crossed the room as Conan just stood and stared at the paper, not even noticing Gavin yet. 

“ _ Why can’t I get it _ ?”

It was the same as the voice that Gavin heard in the back of his head when he didn’t understand algebra. It was the same tone as his father’s voice as he told Gavin that his mother would be disappointed in him. It made him feel as hopeless as he did just looking at Conan. 

Conan turned, as if to pace around the room, but made eye contact with Gavin. The dried tear stains on his cheeks contrasted the perfect artwork that Gavin usually saw in Conan. 

Gavin was helplessly glued to his position and stuck in dumb silence as Conan clenched his fists and walked out of the room. Gavin could still hear his footsteps echoing through the wall. 

After minutes of sitting in silence, he was finally able to stand from the bed. He picked up the book from the floor and set it next to the scribbles of Conan’s neat cursive handwriting. Whole sections of the paper were crossed out of his essay as he rewrote and redid his essay, tearing through the paper where water stains were. Gavin winced at the low grade he saw on the essay beneath. He wordlessly tidied up Conan’s desk and jotted down a few tips and things he’d noticed while reading  _ The Tempest _ on a fresh piece of paper with his own scratchy handwriting.

Gavin wasn’t exactly sure why he did it. Maybe it was because he had been there before, really only a few days ago, when he just didn’t get it and had felt so stupid when it seemed so easy for everyone else. Maybe it was because he had realized that Conan wasn’t as perfect as he seemed. 

When he looked up, there Conan was, pacing in the cold autumn air it didn’t bother him at all. The garden was flooded with amber light from the setting sun and as Gavin saw Conan’s wind blown hair and his cheeks flushed from the cold; Gavin understood that no one was actually as perfect as they seemed. 

Perhaps Conan’s perfection was just a little less insufferable to Gavin as he watched Conan pace around the beautiful garden as hues or orange and gold illuminated him. 

 

\----------

 

Snow fluttered down around him as he sat on a bench in the garden, the stone was so cold it ate through Gavin’s pants and made his thighs freezing cold, but he didn’t mind. 

No one else was out here, no one else could stand the cold that only got more frigid as the sun faded across the horizon. But Gavin liked the garden, even when all the plants looked like they were on their way to dying and the were trees bare, because the light dusting of snow made it beautiful still. It was early in November, and it was the first snowfall of the year, Gavin had to come outside and enjoy this even as the rest of his classmates stayed inside. 

Thoughts of Conan entered his mind, the day that Gavin had been allowed to glimpse of Conan that Gavin didn’t think was shown very often. It made him realize just how much of an idiotic, self-absorbed asshole that Gavin was. 

Gavin had been so focused on himself that he hadn’t even noticed or care about how alone Conan was most days. He hadn’t noticed or even bothered to care about the pressures that Conan held on his back, pressure that  Gavin held most days too. Conan wasn’t a helpless idiot or a flawless machine, he was simply human. Human, just like Gavin. And he didn’t deserve the way Gavin had been treating him. 

Gavin let out a breath of air, watching the cold air turn his warm breath it into a cloud and then dissipate, the sight of it almost making him wish he had cigarettes again. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do from now on, but he knew that instead of hating Conan, he should admire his work ethic and his dedication to this school. But Gavin just wasn’t sure how well he could do that. He always so quick to anger, layers of sarcasm and insults as his armor, that most people either challenged him to who was the bigger asshole or stayed far away from him. Conan had made his own path, challenging Gavin a way that only made him want to fight harder to ignore the urge to get to know or open up to Conan, because, in all honesty, Gavin was tired of being alone. Of being the asshole.  

He wondered what would happened if he followed his urges. 

Gavin slinked inside the building and went up to his room earlier than usual and was surprised to find Conan there, sitting at the desk and doing homework. He hung up his coat in the closet. Before he could lay down in his bed, Conan spoke. “You should take a hot shower, you could catch a cold.”

Gavin quirked his eyebrow. How had Conan known he was outside? The snow on his jacket and hair had long since melted. “How did you know I was out there?”

Conan gestured outside, and he remembered that their room had a view of the entire garden. Had he just been watching him this whole time? “You were the only one out there. You’re pretty hard to miss.” So that was it then. 

Gavin sighed and headed towards the bathroom. He was disappointed and he didn’t know why. After his shower he dressed in his usual t-shirt and pajama pants, Conan hadn’t moved much, but Gavin watched as his fingers traced the edge of the windowsill and delicately picked up the mechanical wolf. 

“What are these?”

“They’re just a bunch of metal animals my brother gave me when I was little.” He didn’t know why he was answering him, he didn't know why he was letting Conan touch one of them. But it somehow didn’t bother him at all. “I don’t know why I brought them. It was a last minute decision.”

“They remind you of home. Even if that home wasn’t that great, this reminds you of a time when it was. Or, that’s what I’m guessing.”

Gavin chewed the inside of his cheek, how had Conan been able to read him that easily? “I guess you’re right. A lot’s changed since he gave me those.”

“Don’t tell anyone, but I brought my teddy bear from when I was little. It’s stupid but I-”

“It’s not stupid.” 

Conan finally turned to face him and gave him a soft smile. “Sorry for touching them.”

“It’s okay, you can do it anytime.” Gavin found himself saying. Gavin knew now he couldn’t just ignore Conan. Conan didn’t deserve that. He sat down in his desk chair next to Conan and plucked the snake from its place. “This one’s my favorite.” 

For a moment, he considered telling Conan about their mechanics, but as he hesitated, the moment was gone, and Conan started to talk about how he really liked the elephant one too. Gavin decided wouldn’t tell him about them just yet, he wouldn’t give into his urges just yet. Instead, he and Conan sat in a comfortable silence after putting his animals back in their place on the windowsill. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I'll be posting again on Wednesday


	5. Chapter Four

 

It was late, and Gavin couldn’t sleep. Nothing had really changed between him and Conan this past week. They didn’t talk much, but things didn’t feel as tense as they had before. They only really saw each other in passing, and they talked about mindless things, but each word Conan said had somehow burned in his mind. Gavin also found himself still smiling after it had been a good few minutes after they had spoken. It was all strange to him, but he decided not to dwell on it. It was probably because he didn’t have much social interaction these days and he was happy to finally have someone to talk to, even if it was just dumb stuff like complaining about history homework; as he did with James.

His gaze caught on the window, and he realized that if he craned his head a little bit he could see the frozen garden down below. It was a nice sight to see. Gavin sighed, he wished he could be up and doing something like pushups to put his energy somewhere, but he didn’t want to wake Conan.

He started when he heard Conan’s voice in the darkness on the other side of the room “You can’t sleep either?”

Gavin smiled, “Nope. I don’t know why.”

“Something on your mind?”

“Not really,” Gavin lied. 

“I want to do something like go out for a run but I know that’s gonna change in a few hours when I actually have to get up and do it.”

Gavin chuckled. “I feel the same.” They drifted into silence but Gavin ended it quickly. “So what do you do for fun besides running?”

“I read a lot. Ms. Russo lets me borrow books all the time. That’s pretty much all I do. I read and I study.”

Gavin chewed his lip, so did Conan really not have any friends? “Why don’t you sit with anyone at meals?”

“Why don’t  _ you _ ?”

“I asked you first.”

Conan sighed. “I don’t know. There’s no one I actually like.”

“You don’t have  _ any  _ friends?” That was a shock to Gavin. Sure, he hadn’t seen Conan with anyone, but it was hard to understand that someone as kind as Conan didn’t have friends.

“I had a friend, Ryan. He was my best friend and roommate for three years. Because he transferred you got to come here and be my roommate instead.” Gavin chewed the inside of his cheek. Ryan was his best friend and left, so Conan got stuck with Gavin. Who was a shitty roommate and a shittier friend. 

“Why did he go?”

“His dad got skin cancer.”

“Shit…” Gavin mumbled, gnawing on his lip, he wasn’t sure what else to say to that.

“Yeah,” Conan sighed. “He wrote me a letter a couple weeks ago. He said since they caught it early his dad would probably be fine. But his family transferred him back to public school so he could be around for everything.”

“I get that.”

“So now you answer.”

“Well, I came here a month late, everyone just kind of had their own friends and I didn’t really feel comfortable intruding and no one ever offered anyways.”

“Yeah, the guys here are nice to each other but they’ve already decided who they want around.” 

They were silent for a while, and Gavin thought Conan had gone to sleep. But he heard his voice again. “So how did you end up here?”

“My dad got sick of my shit and sent me here.”

“What did you do?” Conan asked, and Gavin could almost picture his face right now, his face screwed up into a mixture of concern and confusion.

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Gavin said, shoving away the memories of a drunken haze and the sound of a baseball bat rolling across the floor. 

“How are your classes going?” Conan said, smoothly changing the subject, which Gavin was thankful for.

“God,” Gavin groaned. “Don’t ask me about class. I suck at algebra. I think I’ll be okay in physics and history, and I’m doing well with English, especially with Ms. Russo teaching. But I’m screwed with algebra. I’m so bad at it, it just looks like a mess of letters and numbers to me.”

“Algebra is the one subject I’m great at, physics too. Numbers just make sense to me. English however, not so good.”

“Good for you, Sherlock.” Gavin sighed. “Don’t you read all the time? Why are you bad at English?”

“I enjoy reading, but I hate having to explain why I like it. I hate having to pick it apart. And it’s not that I just hate it, I suck at it too. But regarding your difficulty with algebra, I’m trying to say that I’ll help you out with it, if you’d like.”

Gavin almost smiled, but quickly shoved it away. He probably wouldn’t get it even if Conan was helping him and he didn’t want to waste Conan’s time. “No thanks, I can figure it out for myself.” Gavin said and flipped over in his bed to face away from Conan. If he failed algebra, who cared?

The next morning Gavin ran faster than he ever had before. For barely sleeping the night before, he had a lot of energy. After he took his shower, he gathered up his materials for school into his backpack. As he was packing up he noticed a new stack of papers on top of his old ones on his desk, with one quick glance he could tell they were Conan’s math notes, and they were incredibly detailed, even more so than the notes Mr. Reidmann gave him. It even had step by step explanations on how to do some problems. “Holy shit… ” he muttered to himself. Even just having these and not Conan’s personal tutoring would help him out a lot. 

Gavin wondered how he was going to pay him back. It wasn’t because Gavin didn’t want anyone to hold something over him or owe someone a favor. He was like that with other people, just not with Conan. With Conan he just wondered if there was anything Gavin could do that could make Conan’s life easier. Maybe not being such a dick to him would be a start. 

Gavin would work on that.

 

\----------

 

A couple days later Gavin finally figured it out. He had woken up to Conan’s hand laid gently on his chest, and he opened his gray eyes to see blue ones looking concerned. “Gavin?” Gavin groaned and sat up, Conan’s warm hand fell from his chest as he took a step back. “You slept through your alarms. It’s 7:30.” Conan said, his voice a breath away from amusement.

“Oh, fuck.” He gave a breathy laugh. “Thanks for waking me up.”

Conan gave him a polite smile and Gavin rubbed his eye as he watched Conan grab his backpack and leave the room. He showered quickly, thankful for the fact that it was Saturday. It seemed that he had tired himself out after going for a run around the campus last night instead of sitting around like he usually did. 

He showered and dressed quickly in his favorite pair of pants and gray sweater. Once he got to breakfast, he saw Conan sitting alone again. Usually, Gavin was so engrossed in his book that he didn’t notice that Conan was at breakfast until he had already sat down by himself at another table. 

Gavin stood next to his preferred spot in the cafeteria, in the very back corner. Then he turned his gaze to Conan who sat on the opposite side. He was still eating, holding his book open with one hand. Gavin knew that Conan didn’t sit with anyone because he didn’t like anyone, or at least that’s what he said. But he seemed to like Gavin, unless the generosity and all the smiles had been fake, but Gavin doubted that. 

Gavin forced his legs to move in the opposite direction from his usual table. One step after the other. With each step he pondered about what he should say first. Should he act all cool and say “Is this seat taken?” Even though Gavin knew full well that it wasn’t. Should he ask to sit there? Should he just say hello and take it from there? Once he arrived he knew all those responses were wrong and not how he would act normally. So Gavin decided to just be himself, that’s the person that he thought Conan liked. He simply sat down in front of Conan, smirking as the taller boy got a surprised look on his face as Gavin started eating in front of him like he’d been doing it every day for the past two months. The look on Conan’s face was worth the uncomfortable feeling of his heart racing in his chest.

Gavin looked up meeting Conan’s surprised eyes and said “What?” As if it was a completely normal thing for Gavin to sit here. 

Conan quickly wiped the look of his face and shook his head, turning back to his book.

“What book is that?” Gavin asked after chewing some of his pancakes.

“Read the title, dumbass.” 

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Fine, what’s it about?”

Conan started to explain the book, and Gavin found himself very interested just by Conan’s description. The world was full of dangerous storms but certain people had the power to contain them, it sounded like the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon and as soon as Gavin mentioned it Conan’s whole face lit up. Their discussion quickly went from Avatar to other cartoons they watched growing up and stupid teen shows that they both liked. 

It was a surprisingly interesting conversation and the time passed quickly. Much more quickly than Gavin was used to. He enjoyed the way Conan’s whole face lit up when he smiled, and even more so when he laughed. When he laughed or smiled wide, a dimple appeared on either cheek. Gavin found himself making more and more jokes just to get that smile again. 

“What’s something stupid you used to do as a kid?” The question was so random that it had Gavin smiling at the fond memories he kept.

“We had this wooden cart that was filled with Lincoln Logs. I remember dumping out the logs as my brother put me in the cart and pushed me down the basement stairs.”

“Jesus,” Conan laughed. “That’s so unsafe.”

“I had a helmet!” Gavin protested.

“That wouldn’t protect you from snapping your neck.”

“I totally didn’t break my arm from that experience either.”

“See! I told you. Unsafe!” Conan laughed, and it was the most joy Gavin had even seen from his face.

“Come on, it’s not like you didn’t ever do anything stupid when you were a kid.”

“Not intentionally. Accidentally though, yes. I was skateboarding and the wheel got stopped by a rock and I went flying and chipped my front tooth.”

“Oh no, is it still there?”

“No,” Gavin said, smiling wide enough so Gavin could see it. “But I didn’t get it fixed until months later when kids had already found out and had been making fun of me relentlessly. Including my own twin.”

“Your own twin betrayed you?” Gavin asked with mock horror.

“I know. How could we ever be related? But, alas, we share a face.”

“Except that year he had perfect teeth.” Gavin said, and dodged the hand that Conan had set out to playfully smack him. 

Gavin eventually noticed that a majority of the students had left for class already, and when Gavin checked the time, they only had seven minutes to get to class.

“Oh shit, we better go.” Gavin said, placing the book he hadn’t had a chance to open in his backpack and zipping it up.

“What?” Conan pulled his sweater back to get a look at his watch on his arm. “Oh, you’re right. We have to get going.” He said, getting up from his seat and shoving his book in his bag. They walked together at a brisk pace, but they didn’t halt their conversation until they arrived at Gavin’s classroom.

“So... I’ll see you later?” Conan said as he leaned against the hallway wall. He seemed to be asking if they would be sitting together again without saying anything, but Gavin could tell.

“Yeah, Sherlock, I’ll see you at lunch.” Gavin smiled.

Conan seemed to be about to say something else but the warning bell cut him off, letting them know they had two minutes until they had to be in class. “Bye,” He said, giving a little wave as he twirled around on one foot and walked to his class.

During his classes, Gavin was restless. His knee jogged up and down and he drummed his fingers on his desk and he couldn’t completely focus on Mr. Morgan’s lecture. He found himself restless to talk to Conan again, their conversation cut off much too quickly. It was a strange feeling, and Gavin told himself that it was because he hadn’t talked to someone like that in so long. He hadn’t talked to someone like that since way before he came here, since he’d dumped his old friends for ones that only cared about weed. It was a nice change, and Gavin felt himself smiling more than usual as he walked to the cafeteria. 

Gavin found he liked Conan’s table better, it had a much better view of the forest behind the school. The scattered sunlight flashed through the trees and cast a glow over half the cafeteria and Conan’s face. His blue eyes danced in the sunlight, sparkling as he laughed at a joke Gavin made. It was weird, but Gavin felt better than he had in months, and he couldn’t exactly explain why. Gavin guessed it was the fact that he was actually talking to someone about something besides notes for a class. But it was a nice feeling all the same.

 

\---------

 

“That scar looks fresh.” Conan said as they sat at their desks doing homework. 

“It is.” Gavin said, putting down his pencil and tilting his head to the side to meet Conan’s eyes. 

It had been a few weeks of these random conversations and random questions, and it was well into November. Though that never stopped him and Conan from walking around outside together at night. They would do this quite frequently, get tired of the silence and start a conversation and get distracted for hours in each other. It was exciting for Gavin, he liked getting to know Conan. He liked that he knew that Conan’s favorite food was banana bread, and his favorite color was prussian blue because it reminded him of the night sky. He learned that his favorite author was Ned Vizzini and his favorite book was  _ It’s Kind of a Funny Story _ . While Gavin had never read it, he promised to for Conan, and they watched the movie together on a laptop while sitting on the couch in the library. He liked knowing the random things about Conan that Gavin unintentionally committed to memory. 

“What did you do?” Gavin was stuck in place as Conan suddenly leaned forward and traced the scar on the bridge of his nose with the edge of his finger. Gavin could smell his shampoo from his hair, he was so close, but couldn’t identify that smell that calmed him.

“It… It was really stupid.”

Conan shrugged. “Tell me anyway.”

“I was climbing a fence and when I put my leg over the side of it, my jeans got stuck. Only I didn’t know and I tried to get down but fell face first into a pile of glass.”

“Wow,” Conan laughed. “You’re a dumbass.” 

But Gavin wasn’t offended, he was mostly too busy being distracted by Conan’s eyes, and he knew that Conan was only joking.

“What? You never did anything stupid?”

Conan hummed and leaned back in his seat. “I got my appendix removed when I was twelve.”

Gavin laughed. “That’s hardcore. Can I see?”

Conan nodded and lifted up his shirt and guided Gavin’s hand to the left side of his stomach, and Gavin could see and feel the faint outline of a scar.

“Very badass.” Gavin smirked. “I still have my appendix.”

“I have a burn scar on my arm too.” Conan said, moving Gavin’s hand to trace the burn on his right arm.

“How’d you get it?” Gavin asked as he traced the bumpy skin.

“Don’t laugh. But I was making brownies and I reached into the oven trying to grab but I lifted my arm up a little too high and my arm touched the edge of the oven.”

Gavin winced. “Ouch.” Gavin showed Conan his thumb, where there was the faintest white line of a scar. “I was trying to cut an apple with an apple cutter when I was, like, seven years old and I slipped and it nearly sliced my thumb off.”

“You were a dangerous kid.” Gavin chuckled but his smile faded as Conan took Gavin’s wrist and flipped it over, tracing the scar that was almost in a perfect circle.

“What was this one? It almost looks like…”

“It’s exactly what it looks like.” Conan’s smiled faded and Gavin’s throat constricted in the silence that followed his confession, all the amusement gone was gone from Conan’s eyes and Gavin forced himself to look away, Gavin fixed his eyes on Conan’s finger that traced the edge of the circular scar. Gavin immediately felt uncomfortable and wanted to retract his wrist, but he forced his wrist to stay where it was, he trusted Conan. “My friends… well, they wondered what it would feel like if you put out a cigarette on skin. And I was new to the group and an easy target I guess so before I knew it they were holding me back and forced my wrist out, and Rob was pressing a lit cigarette against my skin. It hurt like hell but I was fine.” Conan’s hand froze and shook for a second as Gavin spoke, and Gavin was afraid to meet his eyes.

Gavin held his breath as Conan drifted the pad of his thumb in a soothing circle across the scar. “I’m sorry.” Pine. He smelled like pine trees and snow. A barren forest in the middle in winter, that’s what Conan smelled like, beautiful and terrifying at the same time. 

“It’s alright. I didn’t even scream, I laughed it off. I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction.” In the silence he found himself speaking. “To be honest, I thought I would miss them more than I do. But I’m actually glad they don’t write and call even though they know where I am.”

They sat there together for a moment, Conan still rubbing circles on his scar, making Gavin’s skin tingle. “When you get out of here, don’t go back to them if you don’t want to. They hurt you, it’s not okay. No matter how strong you are. You shouldn’t have to be around anyone you don’t want to.”

Gavin raised his eyebrows, a silent question in his expression.

“I mean when you’re out of here and free.” Conan chuckled. “Just promise me that when you’re out of father’s grasp, you’ll do what makes you happy.”

Gavin chewed on and tilted his head up to meet Conan’s eyes. They were as calm and as calculating as the sea before a storm, turning almost gray in the dim light of their room. They were gray, but not like Gavin’s eyes. Gavin’s eyes were slate gray, the color of ash and wet cement. Conan’s eyes were like a clear blue sky darkening into a gray thunderstorm, rain clouds blanketing the comfort of a blue sky. It was terrifying and beautiful all at once. He released a captured breath just at the sight of those eyes. “Alright, I promise.”

The smile Gavin had been waiting for warmed Conan’s face, and Conan removed his finger. And for a moment Gavin found himself wishing that it was back. “I just want you to be happy, is all.” Conan said, as if trying to explain his actions.

“I know. Thank you.” He turned back to his forgotten homework, feeling awkward in the silence. “When did the Battle of Marne finish?” Gavin asked and turned his head to look at Conan.

“September 1914.” Conan answered with an easy smile appear on his face again.

“Thanks.” 

Just like that their tension was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll see you all for Chapter Five on Saturday, thank you all for reading!


	6. Chapter Five

“You fucking suck.”

“Wow!” Gavin said with laughter in his eyes. “Such rude language.” 

“I’m sorry, but you’re the one who owns half the board.” Conan said, not seeming very sorry at all. They both got very competitive very quickly and they often called each other names that weren’t so nice. 

“And I’m going easy on you, Sherlock.” Gavin winked.

“I hate you.” Conan deadpanned, handing over a wad of colored papers.

“No you don’t,” Gavin chuckled, taking the fake money out of Conan’s hand with a flourish. “You just hate my amazing Monopoly skills.” 

“When it’s my turn to pick, we’re playing chess.” Conan said firmly.

“You’re on.” Gavin was confident he could win at chess this time, though, of course, that’s what he said to himself every time. And every time Conan kicked his ass. It was their routine. 

Tomorrow was Christmas morning. And for the past week and a half, he and Conan had just hung out all day with no classes or mandatory exercise to worry about. Some kids could decide to go home until after New Years but some had the choice to stay. It was a no-brainer for Gavin, and he had expected to be here alone for a week and a half while Conan was gone. But Conan had surprised him when he decided to stay. And Gavin had hidden his embarrassment as Conan told him that there was no way he was going to let Gavin be here all by himself. This past week with Conan had been great, the majority of the kids had gone home so he and Conan had pretty much full control of the TV and music. 

It was strange because Gavin got bored quickly, he moved from one thing to the next. But with Conan it was different, Gavin wasn’t ever bored or tired of hearing Conan speak. He had fallen so far behind on his reading from talking to Conan, but he didn’t mind all that much.

“Alright, I give up. You left me with twenty dollars, I’m done for.”

“Is it bad that I’m not sorry?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll give you a break from losing, let’s watch something.”

“Yeah, laugh now, but just wait until chess and I eviscerate you.”

They moved from their place at the table on the couch, Gavin sat on the far end, swiping the remote and turning on the TV, Home Alone was the first thing that popped up. The movie was already halfway over, but they made it in time to watch the montage of Kevin making all the traps for burglars. Gavin wasn’t at all surprised when Conan sat right next to him and used the rest of the couch to stretch his legs.  

“I hate and love this movie.” Conan sighed.

“How could you hate it?”

“How the hell did his mom leave him behind? It’s not that easy to leave a kid behind, it’s so unrealistic.”

“You’d be surprised how forgetful parents can be.” Gavin said sourly but instantly regretted it as soon as he saw the easy smile drop from Conan’s face. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry they didn’t invite you home for Christmas.” Conan leaned against Gavin’s chest a little, offering a small show of support. 

Gavin sucked in a breath, “Thanks.” 

Of course, that was the truth. It wasn’t that he had decided to stay home, he didn’t even get the choice. They never really talked about Gavin’s family and it got to the point where Gavin didn’t have to change the subject anymore, Conan understood him enough not to press it. But he still told Conan that he hadn’t gotten any letters from his family when he asked a week ago. Gavin didn’t feel the need to hide anything from Conan. When it came to Conan, he couldn’t help himself from saying what was on his mind. Maybe it was because of the way Conan always asked the right questions and knew when to stop because he could tell the moment Gavin was uncomfortable. He never pushed Gavin, and for that he was grateful. He was just so grateful that Conan was in his life now. Although Conan didn't know the whole story. He didn’t know all his secrets yet, but Gavin wondered if he’d tell them to Conan if he asked. 

They could stay in the lounge until they had to go back to their room at 11:15, so they stayed there on the couch with Conan leaning against his chest ever so slightly, just enough to let Conan’s warmth seep through his bones and each time Conan laughed he felt it reverberate through his own chest. Gavin went to bed still craving that warmth. He had gotten so used to Conan just being near him, whether it be as they sat together on the couch or while they studied or during their psychology class, he was there. But never in a suffocating way, it just felt normal for him to be around, like he was just meant to be there.

He woke up the next morning and went on a morning run around the garden with Conan, though it was more of a slow jog, they were too busy laughing and talking with each other. When they got back to the room, when Gavin got out of the shower he came into their dorm room to see Conan standing in the middle of the room suspiciously holding something behind his back and a grin on his face. 

It was nice to see him smiling so much when not too long ago he had been the cause of those frowns. 

“You look like you’re about to murder me with that creepy smile.” Gavin smirked. “I know I beat you at Monopoly but don’t make any rash decisions.”

Conan rolled his eyes and sighed but conjured up that smile again and handed Gavin the object behind his back. “Merry Christmas!” Gavin looked at the object in his hands, a small smile on his face. He couldn’t believe Conan had gotten him something.

It was a book,  _ Never Let me Go  _ by  Kazuo Ishiguro . “What’s this?” 

“Your present. It’s an old copy of mine, and I really loved it and I think you will too.”

He looked at the book, and then up at the taller boy in front of him. He instantly felt a mixture of happiness and guilt. He hadn’t known that they were exchanging gifts otherwise he would’ve done something. “Conan, I’m sorry, I didn’t get you anything.”

“That’s okay, I don’t mind. I wanted to give you this either way.”

“Thank you, Conan. I’m sure I’ll love it.” Gavin decided that he still had time to get him something, and he was determined to.

“You will.” Conan smirked and took Conan by the shoulder, guiding them out of the room. “Come on, I’m starving.” 

Conan’s hand stayed on Gavin’s back the entire walk, just resting comfortably there, the warmth seeping into Gavin’s skin, but Gavin didn’t mind. 

 

\---------

 

“Conan, let’s go up to our room. I want to give you your gift.” He turned off the TV and dragged a reluctant Conan up the stairs to their room by his hand. They had spent the whole day together and Gavin had spent the whole day wondering what he could get Conan in return. He knew it wasn’t necessary, but Gavin had figured out the perfect gift, the perfect thing to show Conan that he appreciated him more than anything. And that gift was trust. A trust that Conan had earned a while ago, but Gavin hoped that this at least would show it. 

As they walked up to their dorm, Conan kept insisting that it was alright that Gavin didn’t get him anything. 

“Just let me do this. I promise you’ll like it.”

“I know I will, it’s from you. Of course I’d like it.” Conan rolled his eyes and Gavin tried to pretend his heart wasn’t stuttering in his chest. “I just don’t want you to think I guilted you into getting me something.”

“Don’t worry about that, you didn’t. Promise.”

Gavin opened their door and sat at his desk, he first picked up the wolf, as he knew that was Conan’s favorite. He watched Conan throw a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket into the trash as he walked over to stand beside Gavin.“Your animals? You can’t give me those. Those are from your brother.”

“I’m not.I just wanted to show you something. Now shut up and sit down.”

Conan groaned and sat on the edge of the desk. Gavin turned the neck of the wolf and set it on the desk. He watched Conan’s expression change into one of surprise and amusement. “Holy shit, that’s so awesome!”

“The others do it too.” One by one, he activated his metal animals and Conan gushed and smiled at each one. 

Conan’s hand settled on Gavin’s shoulder as he watched them, Gavin took in every facial expression. His blue eyes shined as his dimples showed as he watched them all, a wide smile on his face that was so bright. Gavin couldn’t tear his gaze away. Conan’s eyes were the kind of blue that held you there and captured your attention and you were happy about it. They were the color of an early midwinter night sky with only the brightest stars already beginning to shine. One look into them and Gavin was held there, staring at the sky inside Conan’s eyes. Gavin had always liked the color blue, but now the color somehow held more meaning to him. And he somehow knew that he would spend years trying to find the exact shade of Conan’s eyes but he knew at the same time he never would be able to. Gavin couldn’t shake his gaze away, didn’t even want to, he wanted to memorize the color and the pure joy that shown in them, the joy that was there because of Gavin. “Gavin, this is so cool! Your brother got you these? Where did he find them?”

“He made them.”

“He made them!?”

“Eli’s always been kind of innovative? I guess? He’s always been into inventing things. He’s always in the garage, tinkering with God knows what. No one else knows what they can do except us, it was Eli and I’s secret. He gave me the elephant one when I was ten as a birthday gift. And then he gave me the horse the next year, and it kept going until we were fifteen and he kind of stopped. We basically stopped talking to each other around that point. We only said like ‘hey pass the milk’ to each other and that was it. I don’t know why. But I’ve always had these. I almost got rid of them once when I was really angry. But I couldn’t.” 

He moved his gaze to the animals and traced the edge of the elephant. Thinking about Elijah only made him sad and didn’t really do him any good, but he liked to think about the time before they were distant. When they were just two boys climbing up trees and playing in the park. When Elijah showed Gavin what the world could do and the dreams you could make possible and Gavin looked at him like Elijah himself was creating the ground they stood on. When they slid down the banister of the stairs together and rode their bikes down the hill and let go of the handlebars and felt the wind in their face. When they were just happy little kids who didn’t know any better.

“They remind you a time when things were better.” 

He and Conan made eye contact again and Gavin saw recognition in his eyes of what this gift was supposed to be and the secret that came with it. It was a gift and a show of trust, yes. But it was also a promise of more secrets to come, if Conan wanted to know them. 

“So now you know, and I expect you keep the secret.” Gavin teased, conjuring a smile on his face.

“Of course I will.”

“And you can mess around with them anytime, I trust you.” Conan smiled at him, his eyes sparkling. Conan held his eye contact, and Gavin was almost stuck in place again. “B-but I know these are pretty lame,” Gavin got up from his chair, breaking all of their contact, and went to his dresser opening the bottom drawer that was filled with his secret stash of candy. “So you also have full access to my candy drawer.”

Conan chuckled. “Thank you, Gavin, but these are anything but lame.” Gavin watched as Conan picked up the wolf and activated it.

“Merry Christmas.” Gavin said as he watched Conan.

They made eye contact and Gavin’s chest warmed at the sight of that smile. “Merry Christmas, Gavin.” There was a promise in Gavin’s eyes, and more than anything he wanted to keep it. 

 

\---------

 

“Conan, want to go look at the stars with me?” He perched over Conan’s shoulder as the taller boy sat at the desk reading.

“What do you mean?”

“My astronomy class is going out into the field behind the school to stargaze. We have to take notes and shit but I was thinking you could come with me.”

“But I’m not a part of your class.” Conan turned his face toward Gavin, stating the obvious. 

Gavin rolled his eyes.“So?”

“ _ So  _ Mr. Morgan will see me.”

“It’s dark. Just wear a hoodie and he won’t even recognize you.”

“We could get diffractions for this.”

“And? Let’s live a little.” When Conan didn’t say anything, Gavin rested his head against Conan’s shoulder and groaned, the smell of pine filling his senses. “Please? Everyone in my class is so boring and I want to have fun tonight. Don’t you want to see the stars? They won’t be blocked by trees or anything. Come on, I’m begging you, man. Save my sanity.”

“Alright, alright.” Conan chuckled and Gavin grinned and went to their closet, grabbing one of his hoodies and tossed it at Conan. “Who the hell goes stargazing in the beginning of January?” Conan grumbled as he pulled on the sweatshirt and walked with Gavin out of their dorm.

“Mr. Morgan does. Besides, there isn’t even any snow on the ground, it’s been clear skies for days.” 

“If I get a cold I’m going to blame you.”

“If you get a cold I promise to take care of you.”

“Fine.” Conan grumbled. But Gavin could tell that he was secretly excited by the smile on his lips that he tried to hide from Gavin. He wanted to look at the stars with him as much as Gavin did. And that thought sent a smile to Gavin’s lips and sent warmth to his heart, a warmth that kept away the cold.

They spread a blanket on the ground and sat on it shoulder to shoulder. Gavin breathed in the wintery air, a cool breeze whipped by them every now and then, cold enough to send a shiver into Gavin’s body, but he got used to the chilled air quickly enough. Conan was warm, the heat almost radiating off of him that made Gavin inch his way a little closer so their thighs touched as they spread out across the blanket, leaning back on their hands and stretching their legs out in front of them. 

“Holy shit.” Gavin said, amazed at the blanket of stars that span across the night sky. He still wasn’t used to seeing this many stars because there wasn’t any light pollution out here. He was used to only being able to make out the big dipper and  a few planets.

“This is one of the things I love about being here. I get… well,  _ starstruck  _ by all the stars that are clear and bright.” Conan said with laughter in his voice. “So, what’s your assignment?”

“I have to look at the star calendar and find the constellations in the night sky, I just have to say that I was able to find them, jot a few notes or whatever. That’s the point of this, some kid said he could never see the shapes in constellations, a few other kids agreed so Mr. Morgan came up with this and thought this would help.”

“If I’m being honest, I have trouble too. I just see a mess of bright lights that seem too far away to matter.”

“Here,” Gavin took Conan’s and guided his pointer finger to the sky, he shifted himself so he was slightly behind Conan and could see what his line of sight was. “That’s Antares, the brightest star of Scorpius.” Then Conan traced the shape of Scorpius then lowered Conan’s hand, but didn’t let go. “Do you see it?” Gavin looked to the side, watching Conan’s lips tilt upwards into a smile and he nodded. 

“Show me more?”

Gavin glanced at his star chart and lifted Conan’s hand. “That’s Polaris, and then that’s the little dipper. The big dipper is right next to it.” He traced the constellations again, watching Conan’s face light up like the stars above them. “Then that’s The Great Square of Pegasus.”

Conan quirked his eyebrow. “A pegasus gets his own square?”

“And a _ great  _ one at that.” Conan shook his head and smiled. “And that’s Cassiopeia. And by the moon, that really bright one is Jupiter.”

“What phase of the moon is that?”

“Uhh…” Gavin bit his lip thinking about his answer. He always got waxing and waning mixed up. “Waning… no waxing gibbous. It’s working it’s way up to the full moon.”

“What’s that other really bright one next to Jupiter?”

“Mars.” 

“Did you know all the planets except Uranus are named after the Roman Gods?”

“I did, actually.  Ouranos is the god of the sky, and his wife Gaia is Mother Earth.”

Conan looked at him, eyebrows raised in surprise. “You knew that?”

Gavin shrugged. “I read all of Rick Riordan’s books. It was pretty easy to put two and two together.”

“I read all his books too.” Conan turned his head to meet Gavin’s eyes, sharing a secret smile with him.

He and Conan spent the rest of their time laying on their backs, gazing at the stars and the moon, Conan asking random questions. Their hands were next to each other, pressing together, fingers teasing each other but both were too scared to intertwine them. 

Although Gavin was supposed to be studying the skies, he found something more captivating in Conan’s eyes, and his lips that hung open slightly and often twitched up into a smile. Gavin mostly kept his head turned to the side, watching Conan smile and his eyes brighten in the light underneath the stars. 

Gavin heard the thump of someone sitting down beside him, he and Conan sat up almost in unison, the hood of Conan’s hood fell down and he snatched it back up. “Nice night, isn’t it, Gavin?” Mr. Morgan said, giving him a knowing smile. “Do you mind introducing me to your friend that is not in my class and not supposed to be out here? The one that is currently breaking curfew.” Gavin bit his lip.

“I’m Conan Anderson.” 

Before Mr. Morgan could speak, Gavin rushed out an explanation, hoping that something he said could help. “I just wanted to show him, I mean this is a learning school, right? Just cause he’s not in the class doesn’t mean he shouldn’t learn and appreciate the lovely night sky.” His words felt panicked and rushed out of him, but he didn’t want Conan to get in trouble. “It was my idea, I’m sorry. Just please don’t punish him, I kind of coerced him into doing it when he said we would get caught.”

“No, you’re right. This is a place for learning, he can stay until it’s time to go inside. But don’t let this happen again.” His voice was stern but then he smiled and winked at Gavin  “At least not without asking permission first, as long as you ask, he’ll be welcome to join us again for our little field trip next month.”

Gavin sat in a stunned silence as Mr. Morgan got up from the ground and started to walk around and make conversation with his other students. It was only until Mr. Morgan had left that they looked at each other, and Gavin noticed that something had drastically changed in Conan’s face. It was something like genuine fear that confused Gavin. 

Conan abruptly pulled away from Gavin and started for the main building. As much as Gavin wanted to follow him, he couldn’t. He had an assignment to do and he couldn’t leave for another fifteen minutes. So he waited, and he finally noticed that in their panic his and Conan’s fingers had found their way to each other, and now that Conan had pulled away, his hand felt strangely cold now. His whole body felt cold without Conan next to him.

When he got back to the room, Conan was sitting at his desk, leaning back in his chair. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

“I know we almost got in trouble there, Conan. But we’re fine. Mr. Morgan wasn’t even mad.”

“I don’t do things like this, Gavin. I stay out of trouble because that’s what I like doing.”

“We didn’t even get into trouble.”

Conan stood up from his chair now, taking a few steps forward towards Gavin. Gavin tried to search his eyes to give him some kind of a clue to what Conan was feeling and why. But for the first time, he avoided Gavin’s eyes, which stung more than it should have. 

“That’s not the fucking point. The point is that we  _ could _ have. And I let you convince me to do something so stupid and pointless. If it had been a different teacher, things could have gone so differently.” 

“But it wasn’t a different teacher and it didn’t go differently. I don’t understand why you’re so upset, it was a one-time thing.”

“But I’m not like you. I can’t brush things off like you can.” The words stung, but Gavin didn’t care as Conan’s expression became distant, and Gavin hoped that it would change. That Conan would smile at him again and everything between them would be fine.

“I’m not expecting you to-”

“No, just listen!” Conan cut him off, only whispering but the harshness in his words made Gavin’s heart sting. “I can’t just do crazy things, alright? I’m careful, I’m precise. I like a thought out plan. I  _ need _ a thought out plan. Now… now I can’t even think about anything besides how things could’ve gone worse.” His voice turned softer, still not meeting Gavin’s eyes, his expression unreadable. “And I know...I know it’s only a diffraction, I know. But I’m here on a scholarship, Gavin. I  _ could _ get kicked out of here at any time. Even though it’s  _ fine _ , Mr. Morgan could mention it to Mrs. Woodroe and I could be gone. And I’d have to go back home and I’d leave the place that has made me feel so at peace for that past three years.”

“Conan… please, we’re fine.” His throat constricted in his chest and his lungs burned but he kept talking. “You’ll be fine. Next time we’ll get permission and-”

“You still don’t understand.” His voice shook, and all Gavin wanted to do was reach for him. “There won’t be a next time.” Conan finally looked up into his eyes, there was that thunderstorm again, it covered the blue of the bright sky and it was ready to cause a flood. Gavin never thought that the thunderstorm raging behind Conan’s eyes would ever be aimed at him. “Just… stay away from me.”

“Conan…” The joints in his fingers started to ache as he clenched tightly onto the bottom of his shirt.

Conan only shook his head and turned away from Gavin. And Gavin didn’t know if he could ever get him to turn back around, he wasn’t even sure if he deserved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting again on Monday!


	7. Chapter Six

“So, you and Conan have been getting a lot closer lately.”

He and James were sitting together doing their english homework while they waited for the bell to ring. He had been doing great focusing on The Great Gatsby until now as his mind drifted to Conan, as it inevitably did. He was always thinking of things to tell him, random thoughts just popped into his mind and he immediately wanted to tell Conan, but, of course, he couldn’t. His heart ached even with just the subject of Conan.

“I suppose we have.”

“You guys spend every second together. I heard you even went to the stargazing thing together, even though Conan wasn’t supposed to be there. You’re, like, best friends now.” James said, a teasing tone in his voice and his green eyes sparkled with amusement. “It’s almost making me jealous.”

“I never thought of us like best friends,” Gavin said. “He’s just the person I talk to a lot.” He didn’t know why he was so uncomfortable with James calling them best friends. Maybe it was because it felt like more than that. It felt like Gavin wanted to talk to him, but he also needed to. Conan understood him in a way that always surprised Gavin. And Gavin could interpret what Conan was thinking just by his almost unnoticeable facial expressions or a change in his body language. 

It was weird, what they had, but Gavin knew that it went further than a best friend. Gavin had had a best friend before, multiple, even. Conan was different from that, he just felt  _ different _ . Or maybe he was so uncomfortable because Gavin didn’t feel like he deserved the title of best friend anymore.

“Either way, I think it’s cool. Before you guys started talking you just seemed so sad. And you were alone all the time, so was Conan. I’m glad you guys started talking and get along so well.” There was a kind smile on James face as he pushed his curly brown hair away from his face, and he seemed to really mean it. 

Gavin thought back to what he was like back then, he was indifferent towards people and on the outside, but his mind was going crazy, going from one pissed off thought to the next. Now, when he was with Conan his mind almost went blank. Like all the fucked-up thoughts and feelings he’d been having just disappeared when he got a hint of that smile and blue eyes. Back then, he was always distracted. While he still got distracted, Conan was the one that helped him focus and made him feel like he was smart enough to be at this school. Gavin had spent his whole life never being enough for anyone. His mother, his parents, his friends, the people at this school. They all made him feel like he was nothing, like he wasn’t really worth their time of day. Conan made Gavin feel like he was good enough for someone in those moments they spent together. And Conan didn’t do anything extraordinary, he was just Conan. Conan just fit so well with Gavin, he made Gavin feel like he was  _ something _ . Something other than a pissed-off kid with daddy issues and a case of ADHD. 

Gavin really had changed since he started talking to Conan. And now they weren’t talking. They hadn’t talked for  _ days _ . Three days and about nine hours. It had felt like an eternity to Gavin. The days were boring, meals lonelier, and the nights passed longer because he was sure as hell wasn’t talking to Conan in the middle of the night anymore. It had been three days of this silence between them. It was worse than before when they had never talked. During that time, Gavin had some control. He knew he could talk to Conan anytime, but now he didn’t dare to. It was worse now because he knew what it was like to talk to Conan, to laugh with Conan, to see his smile and be the reason of that smile, and have that all taken away because of a stupid mistake, a random act of rebellion. And he knew Conan was pissed, but he had apologized. Gavin was sure he had apologized.

Gavin ran through the conversation in his head for what must have been the hundredth time. He ran through every word they said to each other, Conan’s frustration and anger towards him still stung to think about. No, he hadn’t apologized. But Gavin never apologized. To anyone. So why did it matter now? If he and Conan were meant to be friends they would just drift back together.

Gavin believed that for only another few hours. When he got to the room that night, Conan was there, doing his homework at his desk. And Gavin only sat down and lurked in the silence. It felt so tense, it felt so wrong. This wasn’t what it was supposed to be like between them. Gavin pushed his homework away from him and set his head down on his desk. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do that homework, he couldn’t focus long enough to. Not with Conan near him, not saying a word, this tension between them. 

Gavin chewed his lip so hard it bled, and he struggled with what to do. He was fine before Conan came along, he wasn’t happy, but he was fine. And now he didn’t want to go back to what he was like before, wasn’t even sure if he could. Gavin never apologized to people before, he hadn’t seen a reason to. But he hadn’t been so desperate to hold onto something before. And it wasn’t just that he was desperate, it was that maybe Conan deserved an apology more than Gavin deserved to keep his pride. 

He turned his chair and faced Conan, who was still writing like mad, pressing against the paper so hard Gavin was surprised that the lead didn’t break.  He looked so utterly perfect sometimes that Gavin sometimes forgot that afternoon when he broke down. Conan was human, after all. He had fears and worries just like Gavin did, and that didn't make Conan any less perfect, if anything, it made him priceless. Those fears and insecurities made Conan who he was, and Gavin had just looked past them. 

“Conan, I’m sorry. I didn’t apologize to you before. That’s not something I normally do. But…” He struggled to find the words, Conan had stopped writing, but he still hadn’t looked at him. “I miss you like hell, you’re like my best friend but more than that. You’re the person I study with, the person I laugh with, the person I can just be myself with. You’re just the  _ person _ for me. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I put you in that situation. But I just really miss you, and I want to talk to you again.” His hands fell to his sides, they had been waving around in front of him of their own accord, no doubt making him look like a crazy person. “Just… I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I’ve never done this before. There’s never been someone that I cared about enough to actually apologize before.”

He could see Conan was considering his words, but he finally spoke his voice a careful whisper. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have gotten so freaked out.” Finally,   _ finally _ , Gavin could see his bright blue eyes that we’re even brighter than an ocean on a sunny day. His eyes were almost pleading. But pleading for what, Gavin didn’t know.

“You had a reason to be.”

“You didn’t know about my scholarship though. And I acted like you knew. And it was my decision to go out too, I shouldn’t have put all the blame on you. So I’m sorry.” 

They were in silence for a few moments, each moment feeling like an eternity. He bit his lip and looked at Conan, for once, unsure of what he should say. It was torture to be speechless in front him now, especially when he felt like he had to say something to break that ice, that barrier between them.

Conan surprised him by holding out his hand, the gesture a little bit silly. “Let’s just be friends again.”

A relieved smile came onto Gavin’s face as he shook Conan’s hand. “Please.”

“And for the record, I missed you too.” Gavin’s smile brightened.

“I have so much to tell you. I came up with so many bad puns you’d be proud of.” Conan laughed and Gavin took a moment to take in that laughter, that perfect smile on his face. The last time he saw it was almost four days ago. 

“Do tell.” Conan said, amusement in his eyes.

And just like that they were back to their old selves. 

 

\--------

 

“Why do I have to care about Jay Gatsby? Why do I have to care about the symbolism of the green light?”

Gavin chuckled, Conan was shaking his shoulder mockingly as he cried about his english homework. “And why do I have to care about the quadratic equation? It’s such a cruel world, isn’t it, Conan?” 

They had been studying for about an hour now, Gavin doing algebra and Conan working on his literature homework while also helping Gavin when he needed it. When Mr. Reidmann explained things, they made sense for about five minutes, but when Conan did, he explained things in a way Gavin would understand and he remembered it for weeks. 

“I honestly don’t know what the fucking green light means.”

“Think about it, what do you think is over there, where the light is?”

“Daisy.”

Gavin set down his pencil and leaned his head on his hand, tilting his head at Conan who sat next to him. “So he’s looking at it longingly, what do you think that means?” 

“He wants her.”

“Exactly.” He smiled, waiting for Conan to think of his own idea.

“So that’s why it’s across the island, it’s too far away for him right now, so is she.” Gavin only hummed in encouragement. “That’s why he reaches towards it, he wants the light to guide him to her, to his Daisy.”

“Very good.”

“Am I right?”

“With symbolism there can be more than answer. There’s no one way to interpret something, so rely on instinct and how you felt that meant in that moment. What Ms. Russo is asking for is how you interpreted it, as long as your answer makes sense to you she’ll see that and give you a good grade.”

“Thanks,” He met Gavin’s eyes and Gavin felt himself pinned beneath them, but not in a way that made him uncomfortable. It was more like he couldn’t look away and he wouldn’t want to if he had the choice. Things had been different since their fight, but not bad different. It didn’t make Gavin feel uneasy, if anything it was the opposite. They now had no problem being next to each other now, Gavin almost craved that closeness. It was like Gavin had gotten a taste of what it would be like without Conan and now he didn’t want to ever experience anything like that again. That scared the shit out of Gavin, but he didn’t run from it like he usually did. He just went with it, did whatever felt normal. 

“Did...Did you ever play Ace Attorney?”

Gavin chuckled a little at the random question but he nodded his head. “That game was so confusing but so amazing.”

“I know, it was confusing for me and I have a photographic memory.”

“You do?” Gavin asked, how the hell had he not known about this before? “You bitch.”

Conan laughed, “Why do you think I had no problem giving you my algebra notes?”

Gavin blinked, it all made sense now. Conan had always had a weird talent of knowing the exact date of things for history and never even had to look at his notes. Gavin had just thought Conan was  _ that _ smart. “You’re so lucky.”

Conan shrugged. “It’s a gift and a curse.”

“How is it curse?”

“I can memorize everything in a split second but it happens with things I don’t necessarily want to memorize. And I can’t just forget about it either, it’s burned into my brain, I could still be able to remember it a few years later. And I also rely on it too much sometimes. I mean, that’s why I struggle so much with english, there are no formulas. I know all the formulas and random dates but when it comes down to it I can’t really rely on it cause I still need to know how to do the problem. It’s helpful, kind of like taking an open-note test, but I still need to be able to figure something out if I forgot to write something down.”

“I understand. But I’m still slightly jealous.”

Conan chucked, dimples appearing once again. “Understood.”

They started talking about games again, their homework forgotten as they leaned closer to each other ever so slightly, and convinced themselves that they were only trying to hear the other person better in the loudness of the lounge.

 

\---------

 

“I just realized I don’t know old you are.” Conan said in the middle of the night. Whenever they couldn’t sleep they talked to each other until they passed out, often with Gavin falling asleep first. It made them both tired in the morning but Gavin found himself not caring that much.

“I turned eighteen in October.”

“What? I missed your birthday? Damn.”

Gavin chuckled. “It’s alright. We weren’t really talking then.”

“So you could leave here, since you’re eighteen.” Conan’s voice turned somber and Gavin tried to see his face on the other side of the room but had no luck. He could only make out the shadows of his face.

“I suppose I could, but I’d be screwed. My dad made it very clear that if I didn’t graduate from here or came back home with the same attitude as before I’d be kicked out.”

“What a loving father.” Conan said sarcastically.

Gavin sighed. “I’ve got no choice really. I don’t want to live on the streets, so after this I guess I’ll just go home and go to college as soon as possible. Besides,” Gavin found himself smiling. “I like this place. I don’t really want to leave anymore.” Gavin didn’t mention that it was all because of Conan and how he was actually dreading the moment he would leave. 

“What would you want to study in college?”

“Fuck if I know. Maybe something to do with english. Can you see me as an English teacher?”

Conan couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “I don’t know if you’re patient enough.”

“You’re right. I probably couldn’t do it without cussing out a kid. What about you?”

“I like it here too. I always have, I wish I could stay here. But I know that’s stupid. After this I’ll go back home and see my brother, that’s as far into the future as I can see. I don’t know what I’ll do afterwards.”

“You’ve told me about him a bit. What’s his name?”

“Connor. Identical twins except or our height and different eye color.”

“Connor and Conan, huh?”

“Our dad wasn’t very original. He didn’t even know there was going to be two of us.”

“Your mom didn’t know?”

“She left my dad pretty much twenty minutes after the strip turned pink. My dad knew she was pregnant, and he did his best to get in contact with her for months, but she never responded. And then about seven months later she left me and Connor on his doorstep.”

“She just abandoned you?”   
“Yes, but it’s alright. I didn’t know her. I have my dad and my brother. That’s all that really matters to me.”

“How are you not upset about it?” 

“I was at first when my dad told me what happened. But I got over it. I realized she just wasn’t worth it. Is that hard for you to understand?” He didn’t ask it maliciously, his voice was soft, like he was truly trying to see if Gavin understood him.

Gavin closed his eyes. He knew what abandonment was, he was at this academy after all, and he knew what it was like to get over it, because he always had to get over it before it destroyed him. “No, it’s not. I get it.”

“I had another brother too. Cole. He was from my dad’s first marriage. He was three when we came into the world. It was hard for my dad, dealing with a toddler and then two twin babies all by himself. But he did it. And then Cole died.” Gavin’s breath caught in his throat, he focused on Conan’s breathing, which had become slightly uneven, but enough for Gavin to notice. “And we tried, or at least I tried, to be good enough for him. But my father had this huge hole in his chest that sucked away all his happiness. And I fought like hell to get some of it back, to get a fraction of his smile back to what it was like in photos. I got good grades, cooked for myself and Connor, cleaned up after him, just so he could be proud. And he is, I know he is. But Cole tore a chunk of his heart that was so big his heart couldn’t rewire itself to feel anything other than sadness.”

“Conan, I’m so sorry.” The words felt so dumb coming out of his mouth, but he didn't know what else to say. He never expected that this boy, this boy that had a perfect smile and laughed and saw the best in people, saw the best in Gavin, had worked himself that hard to make his father proud. 

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” Conan sighed and waved his hand like he was trying to wave the subject away. “And you? What about your family?”

Gavin hesitated, but only for a second. Even now, he knew he could say that he didn’t want to talk about it and Conan would understand, but he actually did want to tell Conan. He wanted Conan to know. 

“My dad is alive, and so is his wife that calls herself my mother. Though sometimes it doesn’t feel like they’re alive, they act like I don’t exist half the time. Though I suppose I don’t help matters, I’m kind of a fuck up. And there’s my half-brother, Elijah. I don’t know how I feel about him, we haven’t talked so long. But he let me go. He let me come all way here and didn’t say goodbye, and yes he was pissed at me but… I still wish it was better. I can’t blame him, it’s not just his fault, It’s my fault too that we got so distant. But I wish he tried. I expected my parents to ignore my existence, but I thought Elijah would’ve sent something by now. I’ve been here for almost five months now and there’s been nothing. No phone calls or letters, not even a carrier pigeon to ask how I was.”

“Okay, but a carrier pigeon seems like he’s trying too hard.”

Gavin huffed a laugh, tension disappearing from his chest, and he soon found himself in a comfortable silence with Conan. The darkness surrounded him, clinging to his arms in a comforting hug. He could hear Conan’s breathing on the other side of the room, he guessed he’d fallen asleep. Gavin wondered why he asked Conan those questions, why he’d answered Conan’s questions in return, when normally he pushed through life without anybody to know his secrets. He wondered why he’d be willing to spill those secrets to the blue eyed boy on the other side of the room. He wondered why his brain focused on the even breathing of his roommate, of his friend that was so much more than a friend. And even as he drifted into sleep, he wondered why each inhale and exhale of Conan’s sleeping form seemed to calm him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be updating again on Wednesday!


	8. Chapter Seven

The next day Conan sat across from him at dinner and set a cupcake in front of him. “They don’t make a big deal out of birthdays here, but I do.”

Gavin couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “You didn’t have to do this. My birthday was over three months ago, Sherlock.”

“I wanted to. I missed your birthday last time so we’re making up for it now.” Conan smiled at him, then started to quietly sing happy birthday to him. Gavin only raised his eyebrow at him and Conan burst into laughter before he could even finish the song. “Make a wish.”

“There isn’t even a candle.”

Conan shrugged, a coy smile on his face. “Use your imagination.”

Gavin hadn’t celebrated his birthday in years, his family always too busy or they had often just forgot, and Gavin definitely wasn’t going to remind them. Elijah used to always get him a little cake and they would celebrate in the privacy of Elijah’s room or outside while his father was at work and Elijah’s mother was out getting her nails done. But that had stopped years ago when he was fifteen, when they stopped talking. But Gavin pushed them out of his mind. They didn't matter right now, not to Gavin. Not when Conan was sitting in front of him and smiling at Gavin like deserved all the happiness he was feeling right now. 

Gavin rolled his eyes but closed them as a wish and blew out an imagery candle. Conan clapped and chuckled and Gavin grabbed a butter knife and cut the cupcake in half. “Here, split it with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. Take some.”

They ate their halves quickly, Conan chuckling when Gavin got frosting on the tip of his nose. “So, what did you wish for?”

“Isn’t it bad if I tell you? Like it will never happen?”

Conan cocked his head to the side, a teasing smile on his face. “Do you really believe that? Come on, tell me.”

“Fine,” Gavin rolled his eyes, he couldn’t resist Conan. “I wished that…” He swallowed and forced him set to meet eyes with Conan. “I wished that nothing would ever change, that I wouldn't screw this up. I wished that we could be friends for a long time.”

Conan smiled softly at him in a way that made Gavin’s heart leap in his chest. Gavin searched his eyes for any sign of pity but only found happiness. They finally looked away, and Gavin noticed that they had leaned over the table so they were barely a few feet apart. He found himself not wanting to move away but forced himself too.

As he watched Conan smile at laugh with him, he hoped his wish came true. It was the only thing he’d truly wanted in a while. And all he had wished for is that he and Conan would last.

 

\----------

 

They sat together on Conan’s bed, leaned against the wall next to each as they read. Gavin wasn’t that far into the book Conan had given him, but he already liked it. 

Gavin looked away from his book and watched as Conan set down his own book and stared off into space a moment and then picked up his book again, Gavin smiled fondly at the gesture. It was something Conan did a lot when he was in the middle of reading and he came across something that blew his mind, and it was like he had to take a step back from reading and wrap his head around it. It was like Conan was in his own world and Gavin didn’t even matter, and the gesture was so endearing to Gavin. The way his eyebrows scrunched together and he bit his lip. Sometimes he even glanced back at the book to make sure he had read it correctly. It was often that Gavin was supposed to be reading but he just focused on Conan. He couldn’t help it, there was something so endearing in the way Conan read. He always propped his legs on top of something, whether it be on a nearby chair or Gavin’s legs, and held his book in one hand while gently tracing a finger against his lips. And he bit his lips a lot too when something important was happening. He closed his eyes sometimes, as if imagining the scene was happening in front of him. 

It had been a little more than a month since his “birthday” with Conan, the snow had begun to melt in the early March warmth and Gavin was almost constantly in this weird state of comfort and confusion. He’d find himself wanting to be near Conan all the time because it just felt normal. They’d be walking together and Gavin would find himself drifting closer to Conan’s side. Or he’d see Conan in the hallway and find himself suddenly next to him, grazing his hand against his shoulder by way of saying hello.

It wasn’t just the closeness that Gavin craved, it was the gentle touches that Conan would do. They’d be at lunch and Conan would get so excited that he’d grab Gavin’s hand for a moment. Or he’d brace a hand on Gavin’s shoulder as he leaned over to get a better look at the math problem Gavin was struggling with. And sometimes Conan would brush his hand against Gavin’s lower back as he passed by. Each touch seemed to kickstart Gavin’s nerves and he didn’t know why. He at first thought it was because he didn’t have any other friends. But things had changed in these past months.

He hung out James sometimes, who was funny and loved to laugh and Gavin hung out with him some days instead of with Conan. But even when he was with James and James’ friends and having fun and laughing, he felt like a part of him was missing. Like something was supposed to be there but wasn’t. It confused him. That’s why some days he would force himself to move out of Conan’s touch even though his instinct was to move closer, even as his nerves hummed at him to just get closer. He felt like he had to move away, like if he got too close he’d drown. 

Gavin was brought out of his thoughts as he watched Conan set his book down again. He didn’t expect Conan to turn towards him, and he prepared himself for the moment Conan would call him a creep for staring at him. “Gavin, I’ve always wondered, why did you start calling me Sherlock?”

Gavin chuckled, these were the moments that Gavin treasured, just really random moments when something sparked Conan’s mind and he just had to stop whatever he was doing to tell Gavin about it. “You’re name. You know Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? He wrote the Sherlock Holmes books. Your name reminded me of him and it’s the first thing I thought of.”

Conan quirked his eyebrows, face written with incredulity. “Are you kidding me? That’s all?”

“Well it certainly wasn’t because of your intelligence.” Gavin retorted.

“Asshole.” Conan huffed with laughter on his breath.  

“That’s not a new observation is it? Cause then I was really wrong about calling you Sherlock.” 

Gavin laughed as Conan flicked him on the forehead and Gavin only retorted by flicking him back. “You’re a dick.” Conan said and picked up his book again and pretended to read it, like he was trying to be mad. 

But Gavin could see the small smile on his face, and the easiness in his eyes. He sat with his back against the wall again, this time even closer to Conan as he nudged his shoulder playfully. “And you love it.”

Conan rolled his eyes and shook his head, but his smile only grew.

 

\---------

 

“Gavin, have you ever been in love?” Conan leaned against his shoulder as they sat outside looking at the stars with his astronomy class. The temperature was a whole lot warmer than it was about two months ago, but they still sat just as close. Conan still had trouble with finding constellations sometimes, but Gavin had no problem with taking his hand and tracing the outline of them so Conan could see it. 

Gavin thought about the question. Had he ever kissed someone or been with someone? Yes, he’d been with a few girls, but never for a long period of time. He would be with a girl for a few weeks but then he’d find himself bored and unsatisfied and he decided he’d rather be alone anyways. “No, I’m pretty sure I haven’t. I think you kind of have to be loved before you can fall in love.”

“Maybe things are changing for you then, maybe after you leave here you can fall in love.” Gavin looked at him, his eyes wide. Conan only smiled at him fondly, but he didn't say anything more. But Gavin got what he was saying. He felt like he was having a heart attack, but he got what Conan was saying. 

“I don’t deserve that.” Gavin said, bitterness in his voice as he tilted his head up so he could look at something besides Conan.

“What makes you think you don’t?” Before Gavin could respond, he was already speaking again. Gavin instinctively turned his head back to look at Conan. His eyes were so clear and bright. He compared them to a sky before, but now they were an ocean. Amazing and beautiful and full of possibilities. Gavin just had to have to courage to dive in. “Sometimes you get a little too reckless and you get pissed off easily. But you’re also kind to those who deserve it. I know you’ve been helping Ms. Russo for months now, and I know you do it because you just want to, not for the marks. You don’t care about those. You like to think that you’re this badass closed off guy, and you are, but you’re still kind to people. You’re kind to me. I’ve been loved, Gavin. I’ve been loved and I have loved and I know how to recognize it. I don’t know what kind of love this is right now, but you're loved. You’re amazing and kind and loved.”

Gavin was so shocked he could barely think of what to say. A part of Gavin had always known that what he and Conan had was different than other normal friendships, but the word love had never come to his mind as a way to describe it. But now that Conan said it, it all made sense. There wasn’t any other word that could describe it. A part of him also wondered if he was truly capable of love, if he was deserving of it, especially if that love was coming from Conan. “Do you really think that kind of love exists for me?”

“I’m positive.”

Gavin turned away from Conan and looked at the stars, while he still participated in conversations, it felt like a part of him was in some other world. That part of him was going over every single word that Conan had said to him, just to make sure that Gavin had actually heard it and he didn’t make it up. And that morning when he woke up, that part of him was still gone, worrying and wondering about everything that had happened last night, but Gavin let that part of him worry. He knew that he could stop that part of him if he wanted to, and even though Gavin knew that he suddenly felt bare and lifeless with Conan, Gavin couldn't convince himself to stop all the worrying. 

After lunch, they decided to go back to their room, and Conan had said something, and Gavin’s mind was in too much of a mess to respond. But then he looked into Conan’s eyes, and Gavin could see all the panic and worry that was filling them. It was there because of Gavin. Gavin’s silence had cause Conan to doubt himself, and that was enough for all the voices and thoughts to halt in his head.

“I’m sorry for saying what I said last night. It’s changed something in you, I’m sorry.” Conan said, filling the silence.

“Wait,” Gavin said, he bit his lip and paced the room trying to think of what to say. “I get angry a lot. And I lash out at people. It’s what I’ve done since God knows how long. And here, it’s different, and it scares me. You’re so different from anyone else that I’ve ever known. I can’t get mad at you, I can’t even get pissed off. If I do, it’s cause you just kicked my ass at chess and I’m more impressed than pissed. You… you just make me feel things differently, you make me in a better mood and it’s just scary sometimes. It’s scary as fuck but if I had a choice to be here with you or go back home and be like what I was like before, then I’d choose you. Over and over again, you’re the one I choose. Because I don’t feel like anything is all that scary if you’re there with me.” Conan was silent as he stared at him, his eyes wide but he had a smile on his face. “Do you get what I’m saying, Conan? I just… I just choose you.”

Conan’s lips broke out into a huge smile, and all the fear and worry that had been in his eyes had disappeared. “I understand.”

\---------

 

“I can’t do this!” Gavin said, tossing the pencil carelessly on the desk and not caring as it rolled to the floor. He braced his head in his hands, tugging on the strands of his hair. His brows knit together painfully as he stared at the math problem, like if he stared at it enough it would just suddenly make sense to him.

“Yes, you can.” Conan said softly as he set the thrown pencil back next to Gavin’s math homework and sat himself on the edge of Conan’s desk. “Hey, look at me,” Gavin bit his lip and propped his face on his hand, tilting his head up to meet Conan’s eyes reluctantly. “You know how to do this, you did this kind of stuff last night. There’s just one more step now.”

“I feel like I’m going to fail math. I go to class after we had a quiz that I think I did really good on and then I get it back and I got sixty percent.”

“What matters is you’re trying. Besides, didn’t you say you didn’t care if you failed math?”

Gavin bit his lip harder, leaning back in his seat and ignoring the copper taste on his lips. “I don’t know, I guess failing at a class because you actually suck at it feels really different than failing it intentionally.”

“But you don’t suck.” Gavin rolled his eyes. “No, don’t give me that look. You don’t suck. You’ve been getting so much better recently, and yeah, this chapter is difficult and different from the last one. But everyone has something they struggle with and something they’re good at. Remember the past month with logarithmic equations? I didn’t even have to help you, you were so good at them. So what you aren’t the best at quadratic equations right now? You’re trying, that’s what matters.”

“Do you mean that?” Gavin’s heart warmed as he took in Conan’s sincere smile. After their conversation, things had changed for them again, they got even more comfortable with each other in these past few weeks, and Gavin was finding it easier and easier to tell Conan his fears and insecurities, whatever was on his mind. Conan was always there to talk to about him. He never told Gavin that he was wrong in what he was feeling, he just gave him a different way to look at it. Conan showed Gavin the way that Conan saw him instead. It gave him a different perspective that stuck with him.

“Yes. You’re amazing. You’re amazing just because you try.” Gavin picked up the pencil and was about to try again but Conan pried the pencil out of Conan’s fingers. “You can try again later, for now, let’s take a walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little shorter than I wanted it to be, but I just started school and I don't have as much time as I used to, I hope you guys liked it and I'll be posting again on Saturday, only two more chapters left!


	9. Chapter Eight

“I love this place,” Gavin said as he took in the garden surrounding them. The sky was purple, the sun sinking into the horizon. And the garden that had once been frozen and dead was finally starting to bloom, the buds of flowers ready to burst at any second, leaves starting to form on the trees. Already, the crabapple trees he had seen when he first came here were in bloom, white flowers covering the branches.

“I know.” Conan said, and they walked together side by side, breathing in the cool April air. “You go to here think, don’t you?”  
Gavin nodded. “No one’s ever out here, and it’s peaceful, kind of quiet. Thanks for bringing me out here, I’m feeling better already.”

They were quiet for a moment, shoulders brushing as they walked around. “Why do think you suck at everything?” Gavin tensed, but quickly eased up with one look at Conan’s soft smile that let Gavin know he could change the subject if he wanted. 

“I’ve always been surrounded by people who’ve known what they wanted to do since they were like ten years old, even here. James is gonna be a teacher, he’s always wanted to. And then there’s people who are so amazing at something like art or writing and you know that that’s what they’ll spend their life doing before they even do. I’m happy for people who know what their doing, but I’ve always been ordinary. I don’t have anything special about me. I’m just average.”

“That’s not true,” Gavin scoffed but Conan stopped walking and took him gently by the arm and turned him around to face him. “You’re amazing, Gavin. Maybe there’s nothing you’re great at, and you have stuff you’re not good at too.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Gavin asked dryly, but Conan ignored him.

“But Gavin, you’re so determined to be better. And not just to impress anyone, you do it because you know you can. You have more drive than anyone I’ve ever seen, and it’s so inspiring. You see you can do something, so you chase after it and you don’t ever give up. You see something that you think you suck at, and you work harder to get better until you’re satisfied. For other people, like me, stuff like math or art comes naturally. We have it easy. What I think is more remarkable is how you work at it. You work harder than the majority of the people at this school. And it’s so breathtaking sometimes.” His hand still rested on Gavin’s shoulder and Gavin finally met his eyes. His heart raced, and he was surprised at how close they were standing, and how he didn’t mind. “You… you’re just so breathtaking.” Conan’s eyes were wide, and he bit his lips, studying Gavin the way he normally studied books, the wind making messy patterns in his hair.

Gavin had been feeling so shitty before, and in just a few sentences, Conan made him feel like he was on top of the world. He made Gavin feel like he truly was amazing and remarkable and breathtaking. Conan thought he was all those things and that was a truly amazing feeling, to be seen as breathtaking by someone who was so stunningly perfect themselves. 

Gavin’s lips broke into a smile. “Thank you.” 

Conan’s hand fell from Gavin’s arm, and they started to walk again, their fingers brushing. “I was wondering, what did you do that made your dad so mad that he sent you here?”

Gavin sighed, and guided Conan to sit down on his favorite bench with him. “God, I feel so shitty for doing it.”

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“No, it’s alright. I will. I want to.” Gavin took in a deep breath, focusing on a patch of grass in front of him. “That night, there was a party for Elijah. He’s a genius, a real genius. Those animals he made me, they’re just a fraction of what he can do, and he made those when he was only ten years old. 

“So there was a party in honor of him, and my parents made it clear that I couldn’t go. They framed it as a punishment for my grades being bad but I could see it in their eyes that I was embarrassed to have me be seen and it wasn’t because I wasn’t as smart as Eli. It was because…” Gavin shook his head, he couldn’t make himself say it. 

Conan’s hand was there again, on his shoulder in that comforting way. When Gavin looked up into his eyes, he could tell Conan understood without Gavin even having to explain. “I was fine the week leading up to it, I acted normal. But that night, I couldn’t get over that fact that even if I was brilliant, a genius just like Elijah, I would never be enough for them. They’d never want to show me off to all their friends cause they were proud. Even if I  _ wasn’t  _ a fuck up, they wouldn’t want me. And so that night, I got drunk for the first time in awhile, and I went into the garage and took a baseball bat to Elijah’s equipment. That was the night I almost threw out my animals cause I was so fucking angry.”

“Was it all broken?”

“I don’t really remember, I was pretty drunk and I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t see.” Gavin bit the inside of his cheek, he hadn’t meant to mention his crying. But Conan only moved closer to him, his other hand on Gavin’s chest, and those hands anchored Gavin to the ground. “I… got arrested. I don’t remember much of that. I remember the bite of the handcuffs,” He looked at his wrists, as if he could still see the bruises there. “I remember the bat I had used rolling across the floor, clanging against the broken machines.”

Gavin blinked and Conan’s hands were on his wrists, taking the place of where the handcuffs had been. Then, his hands slid down to take his hands, and that alone gave him the courage to continue, albeit without looking Conan in the eyes.

“I remember being a cold cell with others that made me feel so small, smaller than I had felt in years. Then my father made it all go away. And I went home. And what might have been fixable between Eli and I was truly gone now. He refused to be in the same room as me until I left to come here. The funny thing is that my father wasn’t even that mad when he got me at the station, I had fucked up so badly that now he had a real excuse to get me out of his hair.” 

“I’m sorry that he doesn’t see you.”

“He doesn’t even matter. You see me, that’s all that matters.” The words were out of Gavin’s mouth before he could think. Conan faced him, a small smile on his lips and eyes shining.

“Can I ask you something else?” 

“Yes.” Gavin said without a moment of hesitation.

“You always talk about your mom like she’s not your real mom. Why is that?”

“She’s not my mom. My birth mother is dead. She killed herself.”

“I’m sorry, Gavin. You don’t have to tell me anymore.”

“I really want to, but… later.” Talking about that night, the night he had lost control, took almost all the energy out of him. 

Conan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “My dad’s an alcoholic. That’s what I ran from, I came here to get away. Weird, I’ve never said that aloud before.”

“So you came here voluntarily?”

“A teacher at my middle school said I had potential to be greater, that our high school wouldn’t be enough to challenge me. She showed me how I could apply online for the scholarship, and I figured, why not? I probably wasn’t going to get in anyways, and I told myself that even if I did I wouldn’t go. And then I got an email from Mrs. Woodroe. She wanted to interview me, and I again told myself that she wouldn’t like me and I wouldn’t get in but I might as well try. And then a few weeks later I got the spot. I got a full scholarship, and before I knew it I was enrolling for my freshman year. 

“It was so selfish, but I was suffocating there. My dad, he means well, he loves us. But we were never going to be enough for him. And I’ve been taking care of him for so long I didn’t even think about the aftermath. I didn’t even think about how I’d be leaving Connor to take care of him alone until it was too late. And each year when the summer started I’d tell myself that this was the last year that I would spend here, that I’d suck it up and just deal with it. When I came back home, I felt like Atlas. That titan that held up the world on his shoulders. I felt like I was holding up the world. I love it here. I’m  _ valued _ here. It feels like I can breathe here. And then each year when the summer ends I come back and I leave Connor to carry the world.”

He didn’t know why he did it, but he squeezed Conan’s hands. They were warm, even in the cool air. “I think what you did wasn’t selfish.”

“No it really was. I’m a shitty brother. I write letters every week, pretending that it’s fine and that our father doesn’t have a problem.”

“Fine, maybe it was selfish. But everyone needs to be a little selfish sometimes. And the fact that you’re upset about your actions makes you not that selfish and a good person. And I think your brother realizes it too, if he’s anything like you. Conan, you’re kind and you’re so understanding. You’re funny and you care about people. You, out of anyone here, deserved to come here the most.” Conan looked up at him and that pain in his eyes was gone. “So, you dealt with your dad all alone?”

“Yeah. Connor doesn’t do it on purpose. I’ve always been the one to step up and take care of him, so Connor just kind of sits on the sidelines. I just don’t think he’d know what to do if our dad was screaming at him and throwing bottles and trying to drive.”  
“Is he like that all the time?”

“No, not all the time. When I try to tell him to stop he is. Connor doesn’t know how to tell him to stop. I just worry about Connor when I’m not there, and then I feel bad when I realize I put him in that situation, because  _ I’m  _ the one who left.”

“You’re a good person, Conan.” Gavin took a deep breath, he could barely see Conan in the darkness. “I… I’m not so good with words, but I think you’re so brave.”

“I think you doubt yourself. You’re great with words.”

Gavin blushed a little, and sat in silence with Conan for a little bit, enjoying the scenery. Here they were, spilling their secrets to each other in the garden. Maybe it was the quietness of the garden that made it so easy to. Maybe it was how Gavin needed to talk to someone about it, as much as Conan need to talk about his problems too. But Gavin knew it was because their time was running out, and he felt like it was a now-or-never situation. He’d wanted Conan to know him, so he rushed it out before his mind could tell him that it was a bad idea or that he should take it slower. Gavin bit his lip, the feelings that he had been feeling with Conan had been growing exponentially. But their time was coming to an end. “It’s April, Conan. We go back home soon.”

Their mood sombered, like some reality was crashing into them and they couldn’t stop it. Conan hummed. “Fifty-two days left.” His voice was barely above a whisper, caressing Gavin’s ears.

“It feels like there should be more.”

“We’re seniors. We leave two weeks early.”

“I think the old me would’ve been excited to leave, but now I’m dreading it.”

“Me too.”

Gavin couldn’t move his eyes away from their hands. It had happened so naturally, their fingers acting on their own accord. “So, you and I, we’re both damaged.”

Conan chuckled. “Damaged is the term for it, I suppose.”

“Here, when I’m with you, I don’t feel like I am. And I don’t feel like I’m useless, I feel like I’m enough. Is that weird?”

“No. No it isn’t. I do too.” He said, quoting Gavin’s earlier words. They stayed there together for another moment. They were so close to each other, and Gavin found himself wanting to move closer. His heart raced in his chest, scared and exhilarated at the thought of moving closer and closing the distance between them. And from the look in Conan’s eyes, he could tell he was feeling the same thing.

But at the same time, they both knew it was a bad idea. They only had fifty-two days left, and neither of them wanted to push past that barrier they held up and open up more feelings that they would have to deal with after they left here. They sat in an understanding silence, and while he heard Conan’s uneven breaths, he couldn’t look up. He didn’t understand how it was possible to feel so much for one person.  Their fingers seemed to move of their own accord, moving inch by inch, like a conversation itself, until their fingers intertwined. The cold wind nipped at their intertwined fingers, turning the tips of their fingers pink, but they didn’t move. 

Nevertheless, he was glad when Conan broke the silence.

“Are… are you ready to try your homework again?”

Gavin groaned, leaning his head against Conan’s shoulder, the scent of pine filling his nose, though that was hard to do. He was closer to Conan, but not the way that he wanted to. “We were having such a nice moment and you ruin it with algebra.”

He could feel Conan’s laughter reverberate into his chest and could practically see Conan’s smile behind his closed eyes, he didn’t even have to look. “Sorry, but we have to go anyways. It’s nine.” Gavin groaned again, he’d be content to just stay out here with Conan forever, but he knew Conan was right. Time didn’t work like that. And fifty-two days felt like seconds.

“I suppose I can try it again.” He finally looked up and saw the smile on Conan’s face, one that he easily returned. It was a unspoken promise between them, a promise that reaffirmed what Gavin already knew. That, for whatever time they had left, they would always be there for each other.

The two boys simply smiled at each other, and that was enough.

“Good.” Their hands broke apart and they stood together, walking back to their room.

Gavin was happy, so fucking happy that he told Conan about what he did. It made Gavin so happy, but there was still a dull ache in his chest, a feeling that only grew as they approached their dorm room and they saw a folded piece of paper stuck in between the door and door frame. 

Conan stuttered over his words and tried to grab the paper before Gavin could get his hands on it, but Gavin was there first and opened the note. He only glimpsed a few of the words scrawled onto the paper, only the words “disgusting” and “fag,” before Conan ripped it out of his hands and shoved it into his pocket, but it was enough for Gavin to get the gist. 

“Don’t worry about it, Gavin.” Conan said before Gavin had the chance to say anything.

“How am I not supposed to worry about it?” Gavin said, opening the door of their room and walking in. He didn’t want to have this conversation in the middle of the hallway. Conan followed him in, not saying anything. “What exactly was that?”

“Just a stupid note. I don’t even look at them anymore.”

“Wait, what? How long have you been getting these exactly?”

“A couple months.”

“A couple of months!” Gavin scoffed. “And you didn’t even tell me?”

“It wasn’t worth telling you about.”

“Yes it was. Someone’s being a douche and they need to stop. I’m gonna find the person who did it and-”

“I know exactly who’s been doing it.” Conan interrupted.

“Who?” Conan shook his head, making it clear that he wouldn’t be telling Gavin anytime soon. Probably because as soon as Gavin found out he would beat the shit out of the guy who did it. Gavin groaned. Everything had been going so good before, Gavin had just told Conan something that he had never even said out loud before. And Conan had told him everything. Or so Gavin had thought. It turned out that there was a lot more that Conan had been keeping from him. 

Gavin just didn’t understand how Conan  _ didn’t _ tell him. Gavin thought they were so close, they told each other every random thought that crossed their minds, they knew most of each other’s pasts, their stupid childhood memories, but  _ this _ Conan couldn’t tell him. What did that say about Gavin? That he was so unreliable that Conan couldn’t trust him with this. It probably for the best, because Gavin couldn’t be trusted to handle something like this without lashing out and getting himself kicked out of school. Conan had probably been right in not telling him, but Gavin couldn’t help how useless he felt. His shoulders sagged and all the anger left him.

“I just wish you would have told me.” 

“I wish I did too. I’m sorry. I just-”

“Couldn’t trust me enough to not lash out and kill the guy who’s been doing this. I know.”

“No, Gavin,” Conan surprised him by taking his hand in his, and Gavin finally moved his gaze to meet Conan’s eyes. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. I just didn’t want to burden you with something so trivial and cliche as this.”

“I don’t care how trivial it is. If it has to do with you, I want to know about it. Especially if it’s hurting you. And don’t say it isn't. I  _ know _ you. I know it has to hurt to see them.”

“Maybe a little, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.” Conan sighed when Gavin couldn’t think of anything else to say. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize anymore. I’m sorry it’s been happening. Just… can you tell me who?”

“You and I both know that’s not a good idea.”

“I promise I won’t lash out at him.”

“Really? You promise.”

Gavin sighed. “Yes, I promise.”

“It’s Clay.”  
_Clay_ , he was one of James’ friends. He would’ve felt better if it some random guy he didn’t know, but he saw Clay everyday. Clay had been nice to him since the beginning just as James had, and he couldn't believe that it could be him. He always had kind blue eyes that were nowhere near as stunning as Conan’s were, but they didn’t put Gavin off. 

Conan had to be wrong. “What? Are you sure? He’s always been super nice to me and to you.”

“I caught him putting a note in my locker. Then again when he left one on our door. He’s not exactly sneaky about it, it’s like he wants me to know it was him.” Conan was still only holding his hand with a sad look on his face, and he wanted to pull Conan closer into a hug, but the words scrawled on that note still haunted his mind. Even if they were in the privacy of their own room, it didn’t matter. Gavin needed to keep his distance.

“I can’t believe this.”

“It’s alright. It doesn’t bother me anymore. It used to, yeah, but I just stopped looking at them.” 

The next morning, Gavin sees the look on Conan’s face as he throws yet another note into the garbage bin.  


	10. Chapter Nine

Every day, the notes continued.

They were in Conan’s backpack, shoved into his locker, taped onto their door. How had Gavin not seen it before? Was he really so stuck on himself that he didn’t notice all the bullshit that Conan was getting? 

Conan never looked at the notes. He just crumpled them up and threw them away. Gavin looked at them a few times. He had waited until Conan went into the bathroom before going to the trash can and pulling out the crumpled pieces of notebook paper. Awful, horrible things. Childish too. They were mostly the same insults, just reworded. The message was the same. How disgusting Conan was. How wrong it was to be gay. Gavin crumpled up the paper even more and threw it back into the garbage can. 

It wasn’t fair that Conan had to go through so much already just to get to his safe-haven, and then have his safe-haven become some kind of hell filled with shitty notes, all because he was gay. It wasn’t fair that  _ Conan _ had to go through it. If only it was Gavin. Gavin at least deserved to feel like shit half of the time. Conan didn’t. 

Their weekend passed with more notes, but Gavin didn’t look at them this time, mercifully avoiding James and his friends. He had only seen glimpses of Clay the whole week, and only in the lunchroom. He instead opted to spend his time with Conan in his room, or in the garden late at night and no one else was out there. 

When Gavin left his class that morning, Conan wasn’t there yet. Instead of walking to the lunchroom he turned down the opposite way and headed to Conan’s classroom. Conan was usually done by now, but something was keeping him. He would wait outside the door until Conan was finished and they could walk together like they always did. 

As Gavin passed a group of boys, he spotted James and waved, but nothing stopped him from seeing Clay out of the corner of his eye. He pushed his blond hair out of his face and flashed a dazzling smile at his friends. How had Gavin not seen it before? Clay’s smile was all too fake, his teeth bearing more resemblance to those of a shark’s than a sincere human’s. With that one glance at Clay, all the notes began running through Gavin’s mind. Conan’s sad smile as he admitted what had been happening, the hurt in his eyes as more and more notes piled up in the garbage, the grit in his teeth as he crumpled up yet another fucking note.

Gavin’s vision turned blurry as he lunged at Clay.

“What the fuck, man!” He hears Clay yell as Gavin shoves him up against the locker. Despite his position, Clay has the nerve to just smirk at him. That only serves to make Gavin angrier.

“Knock it off with the passive aggressive sticky notes.” Gavin growled, his fingers clutching at Clay’s jacket. Though Clay was the one shoved up against the wall, Gavin felt like he was the one being played with as Clay only smiled at him.

Before Gavin knew what had happened he was on the ground. Clay kneeled over him and spoke loud enough for everyone to hear. “You’re the ones who are being so fucking disgusting. Holding hands and fucking in the garden. You did this to yourselves.”

Gavin seethed as his fist flew into Clay’s jaw, knocking him back. He shook out his hand and stood and watched Clay rub his jaw on the place where a bruise would surely form. Clay lunged for him, burying his head against Gavin’s stomach to protect it against any more blows, his fist punching his side. Gavin could do nothing put pound against Clay’s back and lurch his knee up into his stomach, trying to get him to relinquish his control on Gavin. There was an ache in his side as Clay kept punching him, and Gavin finally got the strength to push him back, sending him stumbling backward. 

Gavin bared his teeth and readied himself to block a punch. When he saw Conan out of the corner of his eye, seeing his horrified face, Gavin was too distracted to even see the fist heading towards his face. 

Gavin shook his head trying to get his bearings back and managed just in time to duck his head to block another blow. He took a step forward, reading to lunge himself at Clay again, but a pair of arms held him back, and suddenly Mr. Morgan and Mr. Brown were there, holding Gavin and Clay away from his each other, ending the fight. But he just sags into Mr. Brown’s arms watching as Conan walks away. 

 

\----------

 

Gavin was in the office for hours. His father was called, he was lectured by Mrs. Woodroe for what seemed like days but in reality, was only about an hour. Nothing Mrs. Woodroe said made him feel any worse than he already felt. He’d been given ice for his face and his ribs, but he couldn’t really feel the pain anymore anyways. He couldn’t meet Mrs. Woodroe’s eyes or Ms. Grove’s. He could only think of Conan, he could only see the fear in Conan’s eyes and the sadness and the anger and the disappointment.  

They took away his privileges for a couple of weeks. He wasn’t allowed to leave his rooms for recreation time. After meals, he was to go straight to his dorm room and study, and he lost computer privileges. Gavin didn’t really care. He could only really think about how he had failed Conan. How he had so easily broken a promise just because Gavin couldn’t control his anger. It was all his fault. And even though Clay had started the notes, Gavin insisted he take all the blame. He had thrown the first punch, after all. It was the first time he saw Mrs. Woodroe take her glasses off. She frowned at him, and he’d seen that look enough times to know that she was disappointed in him.

When all the meetings were over, he had already missed dinner but opted to just head back his rooms. He stopped by a bathroom on his way there, wanting to prolong seeing Conan for as long as possible.

In the privacy of the bathroom Gavin took in his appearance for the first time. His lip was split, though the bleeding had stopped long before that. He had a bruise covering the side of his jaw, and dried blood on his chin and uniform. His knuckles were still raw and red, but not cracked and bleeding. He tentatively lifted his shirt to see a few purplish bruises littering his right side. He hissed as he touched them and lowered his shirt. 

He stared at himself in the mirror, his own slate gray eyes staring back at him. He didn’t like what he saw. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine himself with Conan. The edges of his eyes crinkled and his jaw hurt from smiling as he laughed. He always felt warm with Conan by his side. There was always a lightness in his chest, the feeling of being truly free. He was holding hands with the boy who was smiling right back at him. They were laying on their backs, their faces illuminated by the stars and moon. Gavin was tethered to the Earth, tethered to Conan, but he felt so free.

_ Gay. Faggot. _

His eyes flashed open. Tears slipped out of his eyes as he was blinded by the sudden light of the bright room. 

_ Disgusting.  _

_ Unnatural. _

_ Gay. _

Gavin hadn’t realized how public he and Conan had been. He didn’t think that other people could see them. He didn’t think they were that obvious. Maybe it was just obvious to everyone but them.

_ Gay. _

Conan had gotten hurt because of it, had gotten letters from Clay because of it. Gavin banged his hand against the sink, his hand barely registering the pain. Tears stung at his eyes as he replayed their more public moments together, memories that had once brought Gavin happiness.

_ Gay. _

This was all Gavin’s fault. 

 

\----------

 

When Gavin finally made it back to the room, he found Conan sitting quietly at the desk. He looked so relaxed, and it was how Gavin knew that he was really pissed. Gavin shrugged off his backpack and pulled off his uniform, changing into a clean shirt and sweatpants. He went into the bathroom, avoiding his reflection in the mirror this time. 

When he came out, Conan was looking at him, and he stood as Gavin neared their desks. He got closer to Gavin, and he held his breath as Conan traced the bruise on his jaw gently with cold fingers. He turned Gavin’s face toward him and Gavin had no choice but to meet his eyes. Conan was still pissed off, but concern leaked into his eyes. Gavin wanted nothing more than to pull Conan into a hug and never let go, because, God, he really needed someone to hug him right now. But he didn’t deserve it, he knew he didn’t. So he stayed right where he was.

“Why the hell did you do that?” Conan asked, taking his hand away from Gavin’s face and taking a step back. Anger flashed in his eyes again, and while he wasn’t yelling yet, one wrong move from Gavin would make him go off.

“I was trying to protect you.” Was all Gavin could say.

“Protect me? I’m not a fucking princess. I don’t need you to defending my honor. I didn’t give a shit about what he said. So why do you?”

Gavin couldn’t think of anything to say. Nothing would be enough to explain what he’d done. Nothing could explain it. Gavin had just snapped. 

“I thought you weren’t like this anymore.”

Gavin’s head snapped up, his eyebrows furrowing. “Like what?”

“Like this, all violent and irrational. Getting into meaningless fights and into trouble.”

Gavin scoffed. “I thought I could change too.” Gavin’s gaze dropped to the floor. “When I met you, I thought I was actually capable of change. But I’m always going to be like this. Always have been and always will be.” 

Gavin shook his head and his lips turned into a frown as he met Conan’s eyes that were still flashing with anger. “I’m always gonna be the guy that’s impulsive and that’s a dick. The guy that starts a fight for no fucking reason. I’m not ever going to be that perfect guy that handles things in a mature way and can talk to someone without being a prick, and just does the right thing without even thinking about it. Sorry to let you down, but that’s not ever going to be me.”

“But you could be.”

“Christ, Conan, I’ll never be that. That’s you, but not me.”

“Then why are you so different with me?” 

Gavin’s thoughts raced for an answer to the question. Because Conan was different than everyone else. He made Gavin feel like he didn't have to try to be anything but himself. Because it’s easy with him. It felt natural, like Gavin was always meant to be by Conan’s side his whole life and no matter what he’s doing he can’t bring himself to be anything but nice to him. Because that’s what Conan deserved. Someone wonderful. 

Someone who wasn’t Gavin.

Conan was far too good for Gavin, and with each second Gavin realized just how true it was.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Conan scoffed. “I don’t even know what to say to you.”

When Conan leaves, Gavin doesn’t stop him.

Conan comes back to the room later that night. Conan doesn’t look his way once and Gavin tries to ignore how much that hurts him. It hurts him more than his bruised side or his aching jaw. All of these he knows he deserves.

Conan turns the lights off and they are bathed in darkness, Gavin’s heart beats loudly in the silence. “I’m sorry.” His voice cracks and he fully expects the other boy to not hear him or just plainly ignore him. 

“I know, ” Conan says softly.

Gavin squeezes his eyes closed, trying to fight away the thoughts eating away at his mind. “I wanted to keep that promise.”

“I know.”

“I just… lost control. I’m sorry that I hurt you and broke a promise. There’s no excuse for it.” He gnaws on his lip in the darkness. “I wanted to try to be that guy for you.”

“Gavin, I forgive you. You’re fine just the way you are. I was wrong, and there’s nothing that you should change about yourself, I like you just the way you are.”

“Okay.”

“Maybe instead of hulking out, next time you can just rant to me and we can get through it.” Gavin chuckled, but the room was back to that sickening silence as he fought to fall asleep.  

When Conan reaches for his hand at dinner, trying to gain some sense of normalcy, Gavin pulls away.  

\---------

 

Gavin kept avoiding Conan’s touch as their forty-four days with each other drifted into thirty-two, and then twenty-eight. April turned into May as they pretended that the barrier between them wasn’t there. Conan hadn’t tried to hold his hand, or even touch him since Gavin had moved his hand away. It had taken all of Gavin’s strength to keep him an arms length away. Gavin decided that this was more painful than anything he had ever experienced before that had given him the scars on his body.

Gavin avoided just looking at Conan for too long, because if he did, his chest hurt in an indescribable way. His head filled with hurtful words written on crumpled notebook paper, though they had stopped appearing long ago. But there was a new pain in Conan’s eyes. Something different than the look on his face whenever he got a note. And this time it showed on his face whenever he looked at Gavin. It was an expression that surely mirrored Gavin’s.

But they spoke and acted like nothing was wrong, like nothing had happened. Like they chose to stay in their room instead of Gavin being confined to it. 

There were twenty days left when Conan finally asked him what was wrong. 

“Nothing.” It was a lie, of course. He hadn’t been staring into space for no reason. At least, not this time. His instinct was to lie, even to his best friend, if that’s even what Conan was anymore. 

“When I talk to you I feel like you’re a whole world away. Ever since the Clay thing happened you’ve been like this.”

They hadn’t mentioned the incident before now, although it still seemed fresh in Gavin’s mind, it had happened weeks ago. When Gavin couldn’t bring himself to respond, Conan filled the silence. “Please, talk to me. Just… talk to me.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“I’ll be fine as long as you’re by my side.” 

Gavin smiled and pretended as if they had all the time in the world. Even though in twenty days it would be over between them. 

Slowly, Gavin went to grasp Conan on the shoulder, it was almost subconscious. He stopped halfway through, and he caught the look on Conan’s face. Gavin had told Conan that he didn’t want him to get hurt, but when Gavin pulled away Conan winced like he had been punched in the gut. 

Before Gavin could change his mind he leaned forward and took Conan’s hand in his own, their fingers intertwining so easily. It was such a simple thing, but it brought tears to his eyes all the same as he leaned his head against Conan’s shoulder. It had been far, far, too long since he had felt the smell of pine invade his senses.

“I’m sorry.” Was all he whispered into the material of Conan’s sweater.

Conan squeezed his hand, the touch so shocking after all these days of no contact at all. He turned his head and his lips pressed on top of Gavin’s head, almost like a kiss. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. 

It was then that Gavin realized that it would be so easy to just tilt his head and press his lips against Conan’s. That’s all it would take.

Some part of him knew that he should be more worried about why he was thinking about kissing his best friend, but when he felt so safe against Conan and their fingers intertwined, he couldn’t be bothered to. Besides, Gavin had always known somewhere in his mind that Conan was not just a friend. He never was.

The only thing that kept Gavin’s head in place was the fear that if he crossed that line, Conan might not even be his friend anymore. He might be nothing but a distant memory. And as much as Gavin wanted to feel Conan’s lips against his, he wanted to be Conan’s friend even more. At least, just for these few days they had left. 

As time went by, they went for more walks late at night before bed check as soon as Gavin was allowed to. Their hands seeked each other out in the warm air, fingers tangling together ever so slightly, because that was all that they allowed themselves to do. They were too terrified to do anything, terrified of the feelings that doing those things would bring. Gavin thought he should’ve been freaking out because he wanted to do that with Conan, but he never did. He just wanted to try it, just once, but that fear held him back, paralyzed him.

They were in their own little bubble and they talked to each other as if the rest of the world didn’t exist, they talked like they had all the time in the world, they talked like Gavin didn’t have an asshole father and Conan didn’t have an alcoholic dad. 

They talked about their home only once, only bringing more feelings that made it harder to go. 

“Gavin, are you excited to go home?” Conan said into the darkness in the middle of the night.

“I don’t think I have a home. I mean I do, but it’s some mansion three hours from here. It hasn’t felt like home in a long time. So, no, I guess I’m not excited.”

“What about me?”

“What about you?”

“What if I could be your home?”

Gavin’s heart pounded in his chest as he looked across the room and could make out Conan’s piercing eyes. He only hesitated for a moment before he said with absolute certainty. “Yeah, okay. You can be my home. And I can be yours.”

It was moments like that that kept Gavin sane when he realized that he and Conan’s departure was coming closer and closer. It hurt, but Gavin needed Conan to be his home. It made the mansion that he was going to feel like just a vacation, that it was just temporary, that he was going to go home eventually, although it was a lie. It was just a lie that he told himself so he could be happy with Conan instead of sad.

Gavin read and finished the book that Conan had given him, the margins were filled with Conan’s thoughts. It was so intimate, to see the curly writing and hastily drawn stars. It was so intimate to see all of Conan’s thoughts. Gavin couldn’t bring himself to talk about it, or even think about it. Because the book was so similar to his and Conan’s situation, he couldn’t even bare to look at it after he’d finished the story. 

Then their three weeks together turned into two, and then they only had ten days left, Gavin couldn’t speak about something was beginning to feel all too real to him. Their classmates buzzed with joy, but Gavin and Conan just pretended. And normally, Gavin hated pretending. He hated being fake. But it felt like he was going from something real to something that was plastic. But if he acted like what he was feeling on the inside, he wouldn't be able to handle it. If he thought about losing Conan, he thought he might break what Conan had carefully put back together. 

Then, it was time. It was their last night together, Gavin’s heart felt heavy. He couldn’t sleep. And he felt like Atlas, holding up the world. Except it was crushing him and Conan into the ground.

“Conan?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not sure if I can do this. I’m not sure if I can do tomorrow.”

“You can.” Came his whisper from the other side of the room. “You can do anything.”

“I just wish we had more time.”

“Me too.”

They were silent for a moment, but he knew Conan was still awake. 

“Can you come over here?” Gavin dared to say. He was met with silence, but then he heard the shuffling of blankets, and then bare feet padding against the wooden floor. Conan’s body filled the empty space next to him and Gavin took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Conan was barely a breath away. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Yes.” Gavin said without a moment of hesitation.

“You always talk about your mom like she’s not your real mom. Why is that?”

Gavin held his breath. It was their last night of school, what did it matter if he knew or not? But, of course, it mattered. Gavin thought Conan should know every part of him, not because just anyone should know, because Conan was the one he wanted to know him. 

It was hard to see in the dark, and maybe that was what gave him the courage to finally it out loud. “She’s not my mom. My birth mother is dead. She killed herself.”

“I’m sorry, Gavin. You don’t have to tell me anymore.”

“No, I want to. I want you to know this stuff about me.” And the strange this was, was that he truly did want Conan to know things about him. He wanted Conan to know the things that nobody else knew. 

“So, she was this old girlfriend’s of my Dad’s. I don’t really know the story, I guess they had one last night together or something and she got pregnant with me. And she loved him so much but he chose Elijah’s mother to be with, who was also pregnant at the time. He left my mom and sent her money every week and figured that would be enough. And my mom still loved him, I could hear her on the phone when I was supposed to be sleeping, calling him and telling him she missed him late at night. But, she wasn’t mean to me. She loved me and took care of me. She even taught me to read when I was still really young. 

“She always called me her angel, her big bright spot inside the darkness.” Gavin sighed, “I was eight, when she killed herself. She apparently couldn’t take being away from him, and I wasn’t enough for her to stick around, I guess.” Gavin sighed as Conan rested his hand on Gavin’s thigh. “There’s more to it than that though. I was the only person she had. Her parents abandoned her when she got pregnant, and she didn’t really have any friends that I remember, she could never keep a job, and I guess she couldn’t take it anymore… But yeah, that’s when I went to go live with my dad and Elijah. They had to take me in otherwise I would end up in foster care. He calls it an act of kindness.” 

Gavin scoffed, but the anger wasn’t really there. Conan was looking at him in a way that made him feel better, he was looking at him in a way that made all of Gavin’s anger fade away. 

Gavin did his best to smile at his friend, but Conan saw through it, lacing their fingers together on the bed. He pressed their foreheads together, and Conan’s uneven breaths fanned over Gavin’s lips. “I’m sorry about your mom… but I think she would be proud of who you are today.”

Gavin didn’t say anything, he couldn’t, not with the ease bing lifted of his chest and his heart full of gratefulness for Conan. So they stayed just like that, both too afraid to cross the line that would change it all. They stayed together, fingers intertwined, not really sleeping, but not really awake either until the sun rose over the horizon and their days together turned into hours.


	11. Chapter Ten

As Gavin was about to put his last metal animal into the shoebox, he hesitated. It was the wolf, the one that Conan liked so much. He closed his eyes, remembering the way Conan sat with his face on the desk as he watched the wolf run around. Gavin cleared his throat to get the other boys attention.

Conan turned and their eyes met. Without a word, Gavin put the mechanical object in Conan’s hands. “What’s this… oh. Gavin, I can’t take this.”

“Yes, you can. I just gave it to you.”

His eyebrows screwed together, blue eyes searching Gavin’s, looking for some hesitation or doubt in Gavin’s eyes but there wasn’t a trace of it. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I have more. But don’t break it.” Gavin teased. Talking to Conan like this felt like he was taking a breath of air after being submerged in water. “Something to remember me by.”

“As if I could ever forget.” Conan said, and Gavin’s heart raced as he looked at his friend. They stared at each other in silence, they only had a little bit longer than an hour left. Sadness filled Gavin’s eyes and Conan had to look away, he looked at the little wolf in his hand. “Four years here. Four years of memories and friendships and this year is the one that meant the most.” Gavin’s smile wavered as Conan looked up to meet his eyes. 

“I’ve learned things that are so much more important than algebra turned out to be.”

“But at least you passed.”

Gavin laughed. “Yes, I did. Thanks to you and your incredibly detailed notes.”

“You taught me a lot of things too.”

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, like what?”

“How to see things differently.” Gavin heard the unspoken words and bit his lips to hold in the words that were threatening to burst through.

Hesitantly, carefully, he said. “And you taught me how to love.” 

Conan intertwined their fingers, an action that they had done so many times he didn’t even think about it anymore. “I didn’t have to do much.”

 

\----------

 

They stood together in the lobby, and Gavin didn’t know what to say. For once, he truly didn’t know what to say to Conan. Everything seemed so lame and just not good enough. He knew nothing could make this better, nothing Gavin could say would make Conan feel better. 

It was so disorientating to be here. They knew it was coming for weeks, counted down the days in their heads, but now it was here. It was real. 

Gavin pulled out a sharpie and took Conan’s hand. Even as Conan stared at him with wide eyes and he scribbled his phone number on Conan’s hand, he knew Conan would never use it. Their world was ending. It would end as soon as they left. 

But a part, a large part of Gavin hoped that he would be wrong. That he’d get a phone call the next day or later that night. And as he looked into Conan’s eyes, he saw the hope in them too. The hope that was quickly fading. Because each second that passed was their clock running out. “Just in case.” Gavin made himself say.

Because a part of him knew that if he and Conan saw each other again, it would never be the same as it was here. He knew outside this place, outside their room, he and Conan wouldn’t make sense. And Gavin was terrified that Conan would use the number, that they would talk again and it wouldn’t be the same. That the comfort he felt with Conan would grow into numbness. And he knew as he met Conan’s eyes that Conan feared that too. But he had to give him his number. Just in case. _ Just in case. _

“I…” Gavin was at a loss for words again as he stared at his friend. He stared helplessly into his eyes, searching for another solution, another reality where this could never end. He wanted to say so much and nothing at all.

“I’ll miss you too.” Tears threatened to spill out of Gavin’s eyes but he shoved them away and took a step back, even as his body longed to be closer.

“Thank you for… for everything.” Everything was such a blanket term. But he couldn’t force his mouth to say what everything was. Every smile, every sleepless night, every meal together, each accidental graze of their hands, every walk in the garden, every smile, every touch, every board game they played, every intertwine of their fingers. Everything that flipped Gavin’s world around. Everything was the word that Gavin chose because everything they had done together was  _ everything _ to Gavin. 

“Remember, you are breathtaking. Don’t care about what anyone else sees.” Conan said, his words reminding Gavin that he was loved.

Gavin forced himself to smile as they stood in the lobby under the chandelier where so many of their everythings had happened, their classmates were clambering and chatting around them, but it felt like it was just the two of them. 

His heart pounded in his chest as he searched for something to say, something to say that could make that look, that sadness in Conan’s eyes disappear. His heart pounded at him to  _ stay stay stay _ . It felt like they weren’t supposed to be finished yet, like they should’ve had more time. But it wasn’t that easy.

His instincts told him to step closer, even as his mind told him to step away. He stared at Conan, a smile that was entirely too fake on his lips, Gavin couldn’t look away. His heart pounded out of rhythm as Conan took a step back first, and for once Gavin listened to his instincts, his heart. 

He took a step forward, then another, and another until he had Conan wrapped in his arms. Conan’s breath shuddered into the beginning of a silent sob, and Gavin felt it in his chest. He closed his eyes and buried his head into Conan’s neck as Conan’s hands reached up to grip onto him tightly. Gavin tried not to think about how this was the first time he would hold Conan like this, and the last time.

“We wasted our time.” Gavin whispered. He shouldn’t be having this reaction, his heart shouldn’t be racing, he shouldn’t be holding back tears, his breathing should be even, but it all felt wrong. Leaving Conan felt so wrong. 

“No. No, we didn’t.”

They held onto each other, holding onto their last seconds, then Conan pulled away, braver than Gavin was, and held him away at arms length. It felt like a whole world away. “You have to go.” It all felt entirely too soon, there was still more they had to say to each other but needed more time to find the words. More time that they would never get. 

“I don’t want to.”

“I know.”

Gavin picked up his duffle bag and started for the entrance. He saw his father in his car, looking pissed that Gavin had taken so long. Gavin didn’t care, couldn’t bring himself to. He turned to face Conan again, a helpless look on his face and hopelessness in his heart. Conan gave a little wave and a nod of encouragement. There were words that Gavin still longed to say in his heart, but he couldn’t bring himself to say them. He didn’t have to say them though. Conan already knew that Gavin loved him too. 

He took one last look at Conan, memorizing every feature as if he hadn’t been studying them for months, as if he could forget them. Gavin looked at him, the trace of a tear still on his cheek, like a painting that had been ruined by the rain but beautiful all the same.

“Fuck it,” Gavin muttered and dropped his duffle bag on the ground, taking one step after the other. Once he was in front of Conan his fingers moved to caress his face, and then tilt Conan’s head down to be closer to him. 

Gavin only hesitated for a moment, his heart beating loudly in his chest, before he closed his eyes and grazed his lips against Conan’s, more of a caress that a real kiss. But just with a simple brush of lips electricity soared through Gavin’s veins. Conan’s breath hitched as Gavin pulled away, but he didn’t get very far before Conan pulled him closer, desperate lips seeking desperate lips. 

In that one kiss, Gavin was replaying every moment they shared. It was messy, their noses bumped as they tried to find a rhythm, but once they found it, they were lost in each other. 

Gavin’s whole body seemed to hum in response to Conan’s kiss, Conan’s fingers dancing up to thread themselves through Gavin’s hair. Warmth soared into Gavin’s body, hopelessness being replaced by love. Gavin traced his cheekbones, memorizing the way Conan felt underneath his fingertips. His lips were smooth and soft, while Gavin’s were chapped, neither one of them cared. They kissed like nothing else mattered, nothing but each other. They effortlessly ignored their classmates mutters and stares because Gavin was having trouble concentrating on anything besides Conan.

Conan pulled away all too soon, resting his forehead against Gavin’s, completely breathless. 

“I’m sorry. I just… I had to.” Gavin said, already missing the feel, the warmth of Conan’s lips. He didn’t even care that they had an audience, that fifty other kids were staring at them. He just wanted another moment, another second with Conan. “I just wish we had more time together.” Gavin’s voice came out unsteady and wavering and he had to keep his voice from breaking completely, but forced himself to meet Conan’s eyes.

“I know.” Conan whispered against his lips. “I was right about you, you’re completely breathtaking.” A familiar smirk crossed Conan’s lips before he pulled away from Gavin, face flushed. 

He took one more look at Conan,  whose lips were red and bright blue eyes that again reminded Gavin of that depthless ocean, and he forced himself to take a few steps backwards, ignoring the way his heartbeat felt all wrong now. It felt like it was out of rhythm. 

He managed to make himself smile and push back the tears that were filling his eyes. And then Gavin turned away, and he had to ignore that feeling of emptiness in his chest that followed him, the emptiness in the space next to him where there should’ve been something there. It was harder to walk away this time, even more painful. But Gavin couldn’t just leave without knowing what kissing Conan felt like, and he didn’t regret it, not even for a second. So he ignored the stares, picked up his duffle bag from where he’d discarded it on the floor and left, leaving scattered pieces of himself behind.

“I hoped you actually learned something here.” His father said to Gavin once he was in the car. And Gavin couldn’t say anything, could only nod. He'd learned so much, so many things here that he’d never forget. So many things he’d never speak a word of, but were always in his heart. His fingers itched to open the door, to run back inside to Conan, but he stayed in his seat.

Gavin was silent the entire ride to the mansion, he couldn't stop thinking about the book Conan had given him. The book that sat in his duffle bag right now,  _ Never Let Me Go _ . Gavin had read it closely and loved it. It was about childhood memories and growing apart from your close friends. It was about lovers being kept apart but ending up together in the end, but only when they had wasted all of their time so it didn't really matter. But the fact that they ended up together in the end, that small bit of time they had together, well, that was everything to them. The book was about losing that loved one and being stuck in the past. As Gavin left that dorm room, left that person that had felt like home for the past eight months, Gavin couldn’t help feeling that he would be stuck too, reliving memories. Even now he leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes as he tried to remember their everythings. 

Gavin wished he could run back to Conan, take back his unspoken words and tell him to call him, send him a letter, a carrier pigeon, whatever, just get in contact with him. But he knew that he had been right to give Conan his number, because Conan had always had more self control. When it came down to it, Gavin and Conan both knew that they weren't ready for each other yet. They were just kids who had too many troubles to deal with to focus on each other outside that academy. Gavin knew that they were better apart, he’d been right. If they got in contact with each other right now and fell in love, it wouldn’t work out. And for the first time he wasn’t happy about being right. 

Gavin wordlessly climbed up the stairs to a dusty room and sat on the bed, the memory of Conan’s kiss burned onto his lips. He felt cold, knowing that it was truly over between them. He tried to make himself feel better by thinking that when they saw each other again, it would be the right time, and that was their chance. It would be the right time for them, and they would be mature enough to handle this kind of lie. 

He opened his duffle bag and grabbed for the book that Conan had given him for Christmas. He flipped open the cover of  _ Never Let Me Go _ , only to find Conan’s neat cursive handwriting on the inside. His brow furrowed in confusion, this hadn’t been there a couple weeks ago. He forced his blurry eyes to focus on the words that Conan had wrote for him. 

_ “ _ _ And so we stood together like that, at the top of that field, for what seemed like ages, not saying anything, just holding each other, while the wind kept blowing and blowing at us, tugging our clothes, and for a moment, it seemed like we were holding onto each other because that was the only way to stop us being swept away into the night.”  _

_ Before, I felt like I was alone on that hill, holding on to the ground as the wind blew me away pieces of me, and ever since you came into my life, I don’t feel alone anymore. Even if we’re far away from each other, I feel like you’re there with me, holding on as the wind tries to rip us apart.  _

_ I won’t let go if you won’t. _

His heart ached in his chest, a seemingly never ending feeling of loneliness, a numbness in his chest and in his bones as he reread the words over and over again. Gavin finally let the tears fall as he clutched the book to his chest, holding on for dear life. He felt sick, he felt lost, he felt angry, he felt sad. 

He felt homesick.

 

\----------

 

Everyday Conan felt that a piece of him was missing. And every day he carried that little wolf around in his pocket. And every day he couldn’t bring himself to look at it for too long, to think of _him_ for too long.

Gavin’s phone number had washed off his hand weeks ago, but it was burned into his brain. Everyday he wondered if he should use it, but he’d seen the look in Gavin’s eyes. He saw the fear that matched his own. The fear that Conan knew was right, the fear that stemmed from the truth. That they weren’t meant to exist together outside of the academy, that they just didn't make sense.

Maybe in some other reality, they would. In some other reality Conan had the courage to use the phone, and they’d meet over coffee. In some other reality they were together and happy and in love. In some other reality Gavin and Conan were just about to meet. In some other reality they were partners in a police station, working on cases and saving lives. In some other reality they were having their first kiss all over again. In some other reality they were just kids in a tree thinking about what they would be when they grew up. In some other reality they never met, and they were safe from the pain of knowing each other and then losing each other. In some other reality they could just _be_.

No, they hadn’t wasted their time. Everything had happened the way it was supposed to. Conan just wished there could be more, that it didn't end there. That there was more time for him and Gavin to grow together, to say things that they always felt but never could say. To cross that barrier between just friends and lovers.

Conan didn’t spend his days thinking about what he could’ve said or done to make things progress faster between them, he only spent his days reliving the way Gavin’s fingers felt intertwined with his. The way he looked when he laughed, because, God, he was so breathtaking when he laughed. The way he could feel his heartbeat pounding through his chest as they hugged each other tightly for the first and last time. The way his heart pounded in his chest as Gavin kissed him like the world was ending. The way his lips still tingled for hours after they had kissed.

Yes, they ran out of time. But they didn’t waste it. No, it would never be a waste, but Conan could imagine that in another reality that had an extra day together. One more day so he could feel Gavin’s kiss again and again. And that was enough for Conan, just imagining. Because it had to be.

Conan carried that little wolf in his pocket for years, and for years Conan hoped that he would see him again. His heart skipped a beat every time he saw a familiar head of messy brown hair or heard a laugh that sounded like him, and his heart dropped into his stomach a millisecond later when he realized it could never and will never be him.

 

Because Gavin had been right, wishes didn’t come true once you spoke them aloud.

 

\----------

 

It’d been seven years since that day in May when it felt like Conan’s whole world had ended. It seemed like he had spent months trying to feel okay, years accepting it, and he was still trying to move on. It wasn’t normal nor healthy, he knew that. And he had developed other relationships, but they never felt right. There was always something missing, and he knew that it was Gavin. Conan didn’t think he’d ever feel the same about someone else, but sitting in this coffee shop passing the time, he thought that it might be okay.

Maybe it was good that if he found someone else, they would feel different than being with Gavin did. Maybe it wouldn’t be as painful when it ended. Or maybe it would actually last and he would be happy, and he would forget about Gavin.

That thought, of course, was ridiculous. Conan knew that he would never forget about Gavin. Not as long as he lived. He still carried that little wolf in his pocket every day, and it stood guard on his bedside table every night. He still had the sweatshirt that he had borrowed from Gavin the night they went stargazing in January and just never gave it back. He still had a folder full of notes passed to each other in class with Gavin’s little doodles on them. He still had the boat token piece from Monopoly that Gavin had stolen for him when he found out that Conan used to dream about sailing away on it. He had little mementos of Gavin everywhere, even in his mind. 

In his mind, there were songs that reminded him of them, moments replayed in his mind. Moments when they were reading and Conan would lean his head against Gavin’s shoulder and he would sigh like everything was finally alright in the world. The times when Gavin wanted his attention and poked his side to make him laugh. When he asked Conan if he still wanted to sail away on that boat, and Conan only wanted to if he was sailing away with Gavin. And the moment that replayed the most, was that kiss. That kiss that changed everything and yet nothing. 

Perhaps it was time to move on. It didn’t do him any good to wait years and years for someone who might never come back. Maybe he would stop carrying around that wolf. Maybe he would stop listening to those same songs over again. Maybe he would put the sweatshirt and the notebook pages and the token in a box and away in his closet. That would be the healthy thing to do. 

Somewhere in the background, the bell on the door of the cafe rings and as Conan instinctively turns to look, and he’s more at peace then he’s ever been before. 

It was October when they met again. 

Fitting, that it would be October. When October was the month of Gavin’s birthday. When October was when Gavin’s walls broke down and they began to talk all those years ago. October was the month that things began to change for them. Only then, they didn’t know how catastrophic and beautiful that change would bring. 

  
It was October, and Conan was staring at Gavin, at those familiar gray eyes that reminded Conan of the ash of a burning out fire that was determined to stay lit, like it was always meant to be, but this time they knew how life changing this moment would be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to NorthernSkyHills for letting me rant to her with yet another story idea.
> 
> I'll be posting again Saturday, I hoped you liked this and see you then!


End file.
